We are here
Then we’re gone
In the end
Only LOVE lives on
So, take a moment
While you can
To stop one heart
From breaking
Michael, these words are on ‘continuous loop’ in my mind today. Can you tell me what their significance is?
Yes, I can. But first, I want to address your fear … AGAIN.
My fear? Which one is that? I have a boatload!
Tell me about it! Believe me, I know! But one, in particular, seems to be a recurring fear.
This time, you’ve talked yourself into believing that fifty is some kind of magic number and that either or both of us are going to turn into pumpkins when we reach that benchmark. As a result, your fear of reaching fifty of these Conversations is blocking me from getting through as easily and tactilely … and as often … as I want. To get your attention, I’ve turned on your DVD player in the middle of the night repeatedly last week. Instead of seeing this little trick as a sign of my presence and being grateful (as you have been in the past, remarking, “hi, baby!” or something similar), you’ve told yourself that there must be something wrong with your player and you just get up and shut it off, annoyed that it had the nerve to disturb you. I’ve also planted songs in your head in ‘continuous loop’ or on your music player to get your attention. … and you’ve just ignored the message in the songs that are repeating over and over in your life.
Have you noticed any other songs that seem to be cropping up more regularly than what you would consider normal lately?
Yeah … now, that you mention it. For All Time … We’ve Got Forever … You Are Not Alone … Best of Joy … I’ll Be There.
Hello-o-o? Do you detect any kind of pattern, here? You’ve been so busy organizing me that you’ve forgotten how to listen to me. [Michael giggles.]
[Jan laughs.] Consider your arm punched, Beloved.
Ouch! Consider yourself hugged!
I am so sorry, Michael. I guess I’m a bit single-minded when I’m trying to get something done. I can’t believe that I’ve totally missed that! LOL! Okay, okay … you’re right. I admit that I am a little frightened of hitting fifty conversations.
Good … now we can discuss this rationally. What is it that you’re really afraid of?
Well, I guess I still can’t believe my good fortune in participating in these conversations, at all. To share in one of these beautiful dialogs with you is an honor beyond anything this world can bestow. Fifty of them represent an entire year of nearly weekly … very, very special and unique connections with you that I find so stimulating, inspiring, heart-warming, comforting and beautiful. I am so grateful and feel so undeserving of the honor that you pay me in speaking to me. I am afraid that our dialogs will end when we get to fifty. I’m afraid of losing you.
And what have I told you … over and over and over … in these dialogs? Could it be that we are connected For All Time … that We’ve Got Forever … that You Are Not Alone … that We Are Forever … that I’ll Be There? Hmmm! What part of FOREVER don’t you understand?
Now you’re just being cheeky!
Okay … first of all, it’s not about ‘good fortune’ … it’s about LOVE. You love me, right?
Absolutely … Beloved … with all my heart. Love doesn’t even seem a big enough word to describe my feelings for you.
LOVE is the BIGGEST word in any language … but it’s gotten a pretty bum rap … it’s a victim of bad press.
Michael, you know that you are my first thought in the morning and my last prayer at night and I send up prayers for … and to … you throughout my day. Many nights you are with me in my sleep, though I may not remember dreaming. I feel your presence in a beautiful sunset (or sunrise now that it’s still dark when I head off to work in the morning) and I greet you in the moon in all its phases. Photographs of your beautiful face send me into paroxysms of ecstasy until I can capture them for my own collection … and I totally believe what you told one of my friends … that the image is a gateway and that through contemplation, I can open the gate between worlds and be one with you in both physical and spiritual dimensions. I use your image as a mandala or meditative aid. My computer is just going to explode one of these days and spew images of Michael Jackson to coat the world.
[Ewww! What an image … your computer vomiting pictures of me endlessly. He laughs.] And I love you, right? Hmmm … silence. There it is! You doubt my love for you. You wonder how I could love you when we’ve never met face-to-face. Yet, you love me and we’ve never met face-to-face. I should have known this would crop up. I see what the problem is … we need to talk about love. I think we have a conflict of definitions, here.
You are entangled in the ‘human’ definition of the word love. And the ‘human’ definition of the word love often isn’t love at all but something else entirely. So, let’s go back to the very beginning.
How do you define love?
No one can define love, baby. It just is.
Okay, let’s get a little more specific. How do you define your love for me?
Hmmm … Michael, it’s so hard to put into words. I feel an uncontrollable compulsion toward union … merging … in whatever way union can be achieved. I want to breathe you into every pore of my being … to absorb you or for you to absorb me … to be One with you. I want to be your thoughts … ride your dreams … sing your songs … dance your movements. I want to be the tear of joy that escapes the corner of your eye as your dream becomes reality … and the gentle kiss that tastes the salt of it away. I want to see the world through your eyes and hear the world through your ears. I want to wrap myself around your heart and never let go!
Exactly … it is that yearning for the experience of Oneness which is responsible for every person, every living thing, every rock and grain of sand, every drop of water, every blue sky and red cloud and rainbow, every falling leaf or budding rose, every hair on every head in the universe. That is LOVE … as opposed to love. It is God’s definition of the word. It is the way She loves us. It is passionate. It is uncontrollable. It is ever-present. It is the magnetic pull of the sun toward all the planets. It is inescapable.
Is that yearning for union dependent upon my physical presence … or appearance … or attention?
No, not really … although your appearance did (and still does) contribute to it, particularly at the beginning of our acquaintance. Well, that’s not really true. I am just as strongly physically attracted to you now as I was in the very early days of our relationship. Okay … total honesty … I am MORE physically attracted to you with every breathe I breathe!
[Michael giggles.] Does the feeling that you describe include a need to control me, possess me, hold me back from achieving the best possible me that I can achieve?
No, I never want to hold you back from achieving any dream you can conceive. On the contrary, I want to help you fly higher and further than you ever dreamed possible. [My life has taken me beyond the planet and the stars. You’re the only one who could take me this far. I’ll be forever searching for your love.] Yes, exactly … I want to be the fuel for your intergalactic adventure … the wind beneath your wings that provides lift.
Does it embrace or reject the thought of getting more out of the relationship than you give?
No, this love is not an economic transaction or an ‘even-steven proposition.’ I want to give you every part of myself with gratitude for the opportunity to give. [We are the world; we are the children. We are the ones who make a brighter day, so let’s start giving. There’s a choice we’re making; we’re saving our own lives. It’s true we make a brighter day, just you and me.]
Michael, did you know all this when you wrote those words? [Michael laughs. No, but I love it when a plan comes together, don’t you?]
Is there ever a twinge of jealousy when one of your friends describes an experience of me that is different from your own?
I wish I could answer that last question in the same vein, but I am ashamed to say that I can’t. I do, sometimes, feel a twinge of jealousy when one of my friends describes a very vivid experience of you and I do, occasionally, have to remind myself how truly blessed I am in your ongoing presence in my life and reassure myself of your love. Yes.
And those feelings of jealousy … give rise to your fear of losing me (which is just distrust on steroids) … which encourages your jealousy … which deepens your fear of losing me … and on and on and on. It’s a vicious, vicious cycle.
You are in transition … moving from the limited, restrictive, human definition of love toward the Divine, expansive, healing definition of LOVE. Like all transitions, this evolution is characterized by a step forward followed by at least one, sometimes two, steps backward. So, don’t be dismayed by those backwards steps … and don’t feel guilty about them … because then you just cover them over with a layer of guilt, which makes you feel more unworthy and undeserving. Do you see how all this adds up and contributes to the negative energy that is crippling the world? Recognize them for what they are and the blessing they hold for they are indications that progress is being made. Be grateful for the steps forward and, if possible, for the steps back as the sign of advancement … and return to the Divine energy.
Because that’s what LOVE is … energy. It’s not just a passing emotion that may fade with time or with changes in arbitrary factors such as physical attributes or expectations of return. LOVE is energy … ever-fresh, always uplifting, freedom-enhancing, ever-expanding, infinitely generous, healing, creative energy.
It's been a rough week. I thought each of us needed a hug. I know I do.
As a matter of fact, LOVE is the most powerful, most creative, most dynamic energy that ever existed. As the lyrics of the song say, “In the end, only LOVE lives on.” No matter how much fame or fortune, accolades or scorn you amass in your life, only the LOVE you give lives on. If that statement weren’t true, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
LOVE is the conduit that continues to carry me into all of your hearts … the tunnel through which I can continue to touch you with my spirit to encourage you to be the best that you can possibly be. If your yearning to give all of yourself to me was not matched by my yearning to give all of myself to you, this conversation would never occur. It is the singer and the song … the knower and the known. LOVE is expressed in life itself … in all its diversity. It expects no return. It is love for the sake of loving.
So, when I say, “I love you” … it is the absolute truth in the highest, purest understanding of the word. You can take it at face value. You can trust it … and me … it is LOVE. It is not dependent upon our physical nearness … but our spiritual Oneness. It does not rely on any particular physical attributes but on the attributes of character and shared empathy and purpose. It is not contingent upon whether you are worthy or deserving; in LOVE you are deserving and worthy.
My love for each of you is as all-inclusive and passionate as my love for the other. Your desire to give everything you are to me only mirrors that same passionate yearning to empty myself in your service that resides in my heart. [Jan cries softly and feels a warm glow as she is bathed in light and rocked gently in Michael’s arms.] Don’t cry! You are all I need in my life. You are all I dream here at night. Close your eyes. Imagine I’m … takin’ you … away … tonight. [Michael sings.]
Each of you experiences my presence in your own unique ways because you are individual people with unique back stories and experiences that have shaped and molded your appreciation of my presence and each of you processes and translates my presence in different ways. Conversations are not better than dreams … vivid visualizations are not better than poems … visitations are not better than musical compositions. A psychotic DVD player [Jan laughs] is not better than drawing an image … and an attack by a herd of rogue butterflies is not better than writing a symphony. They are different avenues of expression and each is as pregnant with your own interpretations … and the meaning you give to them … as it is with my presence.
They do, however, share the same goals … to make you aware of my presence … to fill your spirit with joy, comfort, reassurance and a consciousness of our togetherness … to remind you of our shared mission … and to fill your hearts with LOVE. When your hearts are full to the brim with the certainty and security of this LOVE, it must radiate outward into your world in your thoughts … and in your words … and in your compassionate outreach. It must expand outward! You have experienced this yourself … the feeling that you will just burst if you don’t capture the emotion in some way and share it as soon as possible. You will not be able to refrain from singing it … dancing it … writing it … drawing it … painting it … composing it … sculpting it, just as I couldn’t hold it back. It is an energy that must create, always renewing itself by challenging itself to give more of itself in service to those whom it loves.
I count on each of you sharing your experiences (in whichever medium feels most comfortable) with each other so that all share the experience together (either directly or vicariously) … and through those shared experiences we are all dancing the same dream together, pushing those ripples ever outward toward infinity. In this LOVE, there is room only for the JOY of filling the beloved with JOY. Jealousy is not possible for it is a manifestation of fear and when this LOVE fills all our hearts, fear is banished like a candle flame banishes the darkness that surrounds it.
Okay, so now that we’ve defined love in God’s terminology, let’s talk about the human definitions of love.
Human definitions of love divide it into three different kinds according to the expected expressions of that emotion. So, for example there is eros, which is sexually-expressed love and is often based in physical attraction. (This is love with an expectation of return, ideally benefitting both participants. In our society, this partnership has been distorted to more commonly provide more benefit to one of the participants at the expense of the other.) Next is philos, which is love expressed in friendship and is often based in shared experiences, ideals or goals. (This, too, is love with an expectation of mutually-beneficial return.) And last is agape, which is altruistically-expressed, compassionate or unconditional love. (This is love for the sake of loving with no expectation of return or even acknowledgment.) Some theories add a fourth called thanatos, which is love of the self and is expressed in a longing for self-improvement, self-realization or self-perfection.
By dividing it into these smaller, bite-sized pieces, the human race satisfies its craving to dissect a concept which is too infinite for it to grasp in its entirety … to categorize or pigeon-hole love and make it more palatable and easier to swallow … squeezing it into little boxes to make it easier to understand .In this way, we can be more comfortable with a concept that defies definition (a thing our egos cannot tolerate).
The problem with this is that God is LOVE … and like God … LOVE doesn’t fit easily into a little box, regardless of its expression.
The second problem is that our modern society has lost the ability to accurately gauge and quantify even these conceptualized little boxes, partly because of several centuries of sexually-repressive history. We are still dealing with the backlash from the sexual revolution of the 1960s … and the Civil Rights Movement … and we are not dealing with them well.
It’s acceptable … even encouraged … to express sex in our culture. Just look at any news stand or movie theater for proof of that statement. However, it is not acceptable … or considered ‘normal’ … to express love publicly. Do that and you risk accusations of being sexually-motivated by certain factions of society who are unshakably entrenched in established societal mores from much earlier generations.
In addition, the covenant of trust which once shaped our human relationships has been broken and love is founded in trust. Stories of a vengeful, angry, violent God who condemns his children to everlasting torment have caused us to distrust our deity. Domestic violence, abuse and abandonment have resulted in children distrusting their parents. The struggle to ‘get ahead’ has ended in children left too much to fend for themselves further severing the familial bonds that are supposed to nurture and sustain them. Sexual addictions and abuse have broken relationships and homes. We have forgotten how to trust. Without trust, love is just a four letter word.
Whether viewed as cause or effect (which comes first … the chicken or the egg?), it doesn’t help that we have priests who admit using young children for their own gratification and teachers who take advantage of their students reinforcing these prejudices. So, society enacts laws to blunt expressions of natural human empathy … and we tell our teachers that they can’t show affection or support for their students without the likelihood of accusations of child molestation. Of course, our young people are confused by us watching sexually-charged television programs and reading material while we tell them to refrain from the same activities as well as about their sexual identities and that confusion leads to bullying behaviors by young people threatened by difference . And the marginalized, aberrant factions of society express angst in sociopathic tendencies and sexual crimes.
Finally, our culture has formed an unspoken agreement that love in all its infinite varieties is legitimately expressed in only one way … sexually … and, frequently, love has very little to do with it. It has morphed into a form of violence, exploitation and manipulation. Romantic love, as practiced today, isn’t love at all. There are large elements of ‘what’s-in-it-for-me,’ which is not at all what love is all about. Possession gives rise to jealousy … control begets abuse … manipulation produces dishonesty … … domination spawns co-dependency … often, violence results in people broken by abusive relationships … and all are called love. Yet, the culture glorifies it, sanctifies it and extols its virtues through its use of art and sensational story. Many of us wouldn’t know LOVE if it came up and bit us on the butt.
Michael!
Sorry, but it’s true. It has become ‘wrong’ (within the prevalent worldview) for a man to love children and express affection for them by hugging or touching them because there is a fear that his sexual instincts will be roused (which clearly shows vestiges of the sexual repression we thought we had shaken off in the turbulent 60s are still with us, just buried beneath our calm, sophisticated, empathy-numbed exteriors.) This is especially true of a man of color who, it has been rumored for decades, cannot control those instincts. That’s why so many lynchings occurred in the deep South, giving rise to the Civil Rights Movement. Sexually active black men were hung and killed for looking at a white woman … which translated as ‘wanting’ a white woman to the White Supremacists who were in control … which translated to raping a white woman without batting an eyelash because of this belief that he was unable to curb his appetites. And the establishment in control backed this bigoted view by using the Bible as its authority. “He who looks at a woman with lust in his heart has already committed adultery.”
That belief is still at large in the world today. My life is proof of that. This inaccurate and incomplete definition of love lies at the very epicenter … ground zero … of the events of my life. I did not conform to the ‘normal’ societally-approved, sexual behavior expected by the culture in which I found myself until much later in life than most men in my position.
In addition, I always expressed my love for children with affection and empathy and compassion. I could not turn a cold eye toward their need to be loved and healed; I hugged them and kissed their heads and blessed them. I allowed them to hold my hand and rest their heads against my shoulder. I played video games with them and watched movies … and gave them my bed.
I am a black man (regardless of how many times certain news magazine anchors remind the world that I don’t look like a black man should look, which is just another racially-charged comment) and, according to the supremacist’s theory, unable or unwilling to curb my voracious sexual appetite. Those factions are very aware of the under-the-rug racial history behind the Civil Rights Movement. It’s not the first time that they have taken advantage of the fear of the sexually active black man to rouse the ‘mob mentality’ so often employed successfully in the South in the 1940s and 1950s by employing the media to warp my affection and compassion for children through this lens, and presume it was sexual in nature when, in fact, it was spiritual in nature … empathy … a desire to heal and make whole.
The world was talking eros … while I was talking agape. That is the danger of trying to define a concept like LOVE and fit it into those little tiny boxes. Unless we all agree on the definitions we are using to stick that label on the concept, there are going to be misunderstandings.
There is no possibility of misunderstanding with LOVE … and, yet, it is a fact that it is usually the most misunderstood concept … not because of any ambiguity or lack of clarity in its promise … but because of humanity’s inability to believe in its promise of selfless, all-encompassing, healing, creative LOVE. And there’s that lack of trust again.
Thank you, Beloved. I love you!
God bless you! I love you more! Do you believe me?
Yes, Michael, I believe you.
Do you trust me enough to believe in my love for you?
Yes, Dear One, I trust you enough to believe in your love for me. Michael!
Hmmm?
Did you just turn on my DVD player?
[Innocent (and, indeed, anemic) whistling.] I told you … the thing is psychotic!
Jan – November 3, 2011
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