Conversations (Installment #2)
Week of November 16 through November 21, 2010
I’ve always been curious about your impact upon me back in 1992, beloved. In addition, I always wanted to know if you were conscious of that impact upon those of us that we will call ‘your children’ in this series. I’ve described it in previous postings on this website and articles that I wrote back when I was in the earlier throes of it, including ‘Journey’ and ‘Collector of Souls.’
Basically, you hit me like a ton of bricks! [Michael giggles.] I will express it in these terms: you stopped my heart beating … and when it started beating again … it wasn’t mine anymore … it was yours! It wasn’t just a typical, physical ‘infatuation’ or ‘falling in love’ (although, being totally honest here, there was and still is a very physical component to it, but only in the very most respectful, love-based sense of the term.) There was an emotional, mental, spiritual, ethereal, connection-like quality to it that just defies description.
Can you explain exactly what kind of train hit me as I watched the Michael Jackson Live in Bucharest HBO telecast in 1992?
[Michael laughs. Train hit me. That’s funny.]
I can try, but, please understand … our language makes it difficult to explain some of these concepts because words can only contain a hint of meaning … the emotion and the spirit is missing. But let’s give it a shot.
First, a couple of words of … I don’t know … background information. Everything is energy; you are energy; I am energy; love is energy; hate is energy. There is energy that is individual and there is energy that is universal, but everything is energy. Vibration! When we meet, there is an exchange between us. The energy that is me and the energy that is you either recognize … or do not recognize … each other as ‘One.’ We’ve all experienced an instant affinity for a person that we’ve met … and it doesn’t appear to depend on physical closeness. Sometimes, we feel that affinity very strongly with people that we meet through technology … like through a television broadcast or through a record or even through the internet. We seem to be vibrating at the same velocity with that person.
When we die, the energy does not; it goes on because energy never dies. The vibration that we are goes on like the ripple effect. So, the energy that you knew as Michael Jackson continues and becomes more conscious of its individual energy vibration while at the same time it becomes more connected to the universal energy, the Oneness from which we all spring and to which we all return. I know that the previous statement may seem contradictory, but it is not. It is a dichotomy meaning that both aspects are true at the same time.
That Oneness is all-encompassing. It is Life. It is L.O.V.E. It is God or Jehovah or Allah or Buddha or Krishna. It is the Field of All Possibilities. It is the great I AM. Whatever terminology speaks to your heart and rings true in your mind. They are all One … as are we.
We are all manifestations of that Oneness dressed in human clothing for a time – flesh and blood and bone and muscle and tissue and organs. We view ourselves as individuals enclosed in that human clothing for a while, but under, around and through that clothing we are still One.
It’s like this … and this is a poor analogy … but … we are all musical notes in a symphony. As individual notes we are important, but only in the context of the rest of the notes that make up the remainder of the symphony. As individual notes, our vibration is beautiful and strong and able to stand on its own, but it is only when we are joined with the other notes in our chord … and the other notes on our page … and all the other notes that produce the entire composition that we truly shine … that we sing our truth … that we become aware of our perfection. One note missing when the moment comes for that vibration to sing out loud and clear can mess up the entire composition. Do you see what I mean?
Yes, beloved, and I don’t think it’s a poor analogy. I think it’s brilliant!
God bless you! But you’re biased by your love.
It also explains what happened to me when I feel like I abandoned you … it came time for my vibration to be played and sing out loud and clear … and there was silence … because I wasn’t paying attention … or, at least, not with the same intensity and devotion I had been before.
No, it wasn’t silent … your note just didn’t sing out as loudly and clearly as it had in the earlier crisis … but it was still there … but we aren’t going to dwell on that now because I have something important to say about it later.
Anyway, we are the composition. You and I (and so many, many others all over the world) had made a pact to bring salvation back. Did you think those words were sung in ignorance of their meaning? No, I was young, but my soul knew what it was doing (as does yours, so listen to it.) It’s like you said in one of your posts … the One had a hand in getting the song to me … and in the singing … and in the sharing of that special meaning. It was a calling out to all of you to pay attention … that our symphony was ready to be played.
While we were still in the Oneness before we were born … we were One composition. Then along came two people … a sperm and an egg … and MAGIC … we are born into the world of individuation which views itself as separated from the Oneness. (I say it that way because it isn’t separated from the Oneness … but it doesn’t perceive that … and most of the time fails to acknowledge it.)
All the things that occur in our lives as children … and as adults, for that matter … happen for a reason. There are no coincidences. The joys and pains we experience as children added together bring us closer or further away from that realization. And it is our choices … how we react to the circumstances in which we find ourselves as we move through our days … that determine whether we move toward or away from that knowledge.
That’s one of the reasons a fully-cherished and nourished childhood is so important for each of us … for our world. The freedom to play and experiment … to imagine with feelings and reactions without fearing the outcome of those experiments or imaginings colors the openness of our hearts to how our reactions affect our goals for ourselves, for others and for our world. The knowledge that a loving parent is there to pick up the pieces that we break in our experiments and imaginings makes all the difference in the world. If that loving parent can also instruct us on where we’ve gone wrong and why the experiment didn’t work or hurt one of our friends … well … you can see what a difference it can make. It is the bedrock upon which we build the remainder of our lives.
The things that happen to us … or the choices we make in regards to them … change the vibration … the pitch and modulation of our note (like tuning a guitar or harp or piano) … so that when it is sung it is either in harmony … or in dissonance … with the rest of the notes in its chord or page of the symphony in which we started out as One.
That wasn’t very clear, was it? [Michael giggles.]
Okay, so let’s see if I can fix it. We are a composition … a symphony comprised of millions of notes … each individual note thinks it is standing all alone … beautiful, strong, but alone. Right? Because it doesn’t see the whole picture … the other four notes that are linked to it just below the surface of the line or space on which it rests … the hundreds of other chords and notes on its page … or the other millions of notes within the score of the symphony of which it is a small but important part.
Then, all of a sudden without any warning … one lonely, little note re-cognizes (cognates again) another note from the symphony of Oneness! It is re-minded (as in minded again) that it is not all alone … that it has a purpose. Further, that one note standing all alone … in the moment of recognizing the other note (regardless of distance or time or space) re-members or recognizes that it is a member of a larger whole again … it hears the entire symphony … only for a moment, but it is all there and it is all clear … and it is all perfect and so doggone beautiful it takes the lonely, little note’s breath away. It sees its place in the whole and its purpose for existing. What would that feel like? What would the lonely, little note experience in that moment?
Well, it would be a little like being hit by a train, wouldn’t it? [Michael laughs again. “I love that.”] I don’t know, but I imagine it would be a low voltage electrical shock that would leave the little note breathless. It would be a moment of grace. It would be a recognition that would carry the little note into a whole new life, new direction, new purpose. It would be a lot like I experienced on that beautiful October evening in 1992.
Woohoo, we got there! But … wait … there is more. That little note when the moment of grace is over, seeks to know that moment again. But how can it when it doesn’t know how it happened to begin with? How can it reproduce that moment when it doesn’t see the fullness or significance of it? So that lonely, little note plays that moment over and over and over again, every moment it can. For days, weeks, months every chance it gets, the lonely, little note seeks that moment in time when she was complete. The little note goes out and tries to find out all it can about the other note it saw and recognized as another of the millions of notes that make up its symphony. It investigates. It learns. It listens and watches. It consumes information and every representation of the other note that it can find voraciously.
In this discovery process, it finds that all the other notes for all the OTHER symphonies in the world (that do not share the same purpose) are not seeing the same thing, are not recognizing the same kinship with the note that has drawn her attention. These notes are not in harmony with her note or with her companion note … they are in dissonance.
The little note is confused. How could this be? So, the little note learns everything it can about the other note … and about how the symphony was composed and its purpose … until everything comes together in a perfect little puzzle. Then, disaster strikes. The kinship she feels with the other note is jeopardized by the external dissonance of some of the other crueler and more brutal symphonies that are playing in the world around it.
What does the little note do? Does she follow her instincts? Does she go with her vision of the other note? Or does she throw her lot in with all those other symphonies clamoring in dissonance all around her?
Then, let’s not forget the note she saw and his feelings in this scenario. He might not be physically aware of the lonely, little note but he has an advantage over the lonely, little note … he does know and hear the symphony in all its beauty and precision and harmony. He knows that such a masterpiece requires millions of notes played together. So, while he may not recognize that one lonely, little note from all the other notes he sees around him in dissonance, as well as all the other notes that belong to his symphony, his heart throbs with the realization that he is not alone and that his symphony is real and that its millions of notes produce the harmony he feels in his heart and he hears in his head.
He puts himself out there and stands as strongly and proudly as he can to attract the attention of all the notes that are joined to him in purpose. He struggles to reproduce that beautiful masterpiece in every breath he breathes so that all those millions of notes in his chord and on his page and in his symphony can strengthen their ties to him and to each other in singing their individual notes.
How absolutely brilliant … and beautiful, beloved! I really have to ask this question, Dear One, because it bothers me so much. Did you really not know how beautiful you are in our eyes? We were fascinated by your lightning speed and mesmerized by the power of your performances. There is no way to describe what your voice does to us because it’s new every time we hear it no matter how many times we hear it. To say it calms our anxiety doesn’t account for the times it revs our engines to the point of bursting; to say it wraps us in the cashmere softness of your love doesn’t account for the times that it lulls us to sleep with its ethereal, angelic virtuosity. But, most of all, we are enthralled, entranced, enchanted, bewitched by your beauty.
I have to admit, this idea was one of the traits that required healing when I reached this side of life. I didn’t see myself as beautiful until I was able to see that beauty reflected in all of you. Then … it floored me … that I had inspired that in you … that you had all become more through or because of something I said or did or sang … or whatever it was you saw in me that made you embrace more in yourselves. And I was so grateful for that, then. But I had so many people … people I trusted and who I thought had my best interests at heart telling me that I was not! The whole world told me I was a ‘freak.’ How does one hold on to a more truthful self-image under those conditions?
Okay. I admit it would be hard. I only had about thirty fifth graders telling me I was ugly and I believe them to this day.
Yes, we damage each other so much with our judgments. But stop distracting me. We were on a roll, here. [Michael laughs.]
So … disaster strikes and the lonely little note has to make a decision. Does she allow that dissonance to continue to upset her … to make her sick … to disturb her feelings of harmony and connectedness to the other note that she had seen and that had made her feel whole and harmonious and important and complete for the first time in her life? She had even begun to entertain the possibility that they were not only notes in the same symphony … joined in purpose … but on the same page … or even in the same chord.
She felt his pain … she saw his agony over the dissonance surrounding him and despite the distance separating them … she knew she had to do something … anything. She found a way to reach out and touch him with her love and faith … and I can’t thank you enough for that telegram in Singapore (yes, I got it and it did help for a little while.)
Oh, thank you, beloved, I always wondered about that … if you had received it … and if you understood that I wasn’t just speaking for one person, but for all of us who had been in harmony with your symphony, to borrow from your brilliant analogy.
Yes, I understood … but you misunderstand. It isn’t my symphony. I am just a note in the symphony … one note in five that make up a chord, buried on one of the middle pages in the vast portfolio of musical notes … no different from you and all the millions of others that weave and flow together to create the melodies and harmonies. Together, residing on our individual lines and spaces and clefts, we comprise God’s symphony. God is the composer of this symphony and it is written in the key of L.O.V.E.
I disagree with you, beloved … you are the Key of L.O.V.E. in which God has written our symphony.
God bless you! Don’t get me all emotional. By the way, I love the endearment you use when you think of me. Beloved! It’s so Biblical! So Songs of Solomon!
But … back to our analogy because it is important for all of you to hear what comes next. The cacophony and clamor from the dissonant symphonies increased and became a continuous battering on the lonely, little note’s heart. She knew that if she felt every blow and cut aimed at her companion note, that he must be bleeding and bruised and broken by them as well. She tried to be strong and resolute … to hold on to her love and faith for the other note she had become so completely bonded with. She held out against the cruelty and brutality as long as she could (in your case ten years – a decade; in some of your readers’ cases longer or shorter), but the lonely, little note needed a break … a rest … a pause to recharge her assaulted love and faith so that she could sing her note out loud and strong again. It was not the lonely, little note’s fault that the dissonant symphonies managed to drown out the song of her companion note’s melody for a while.
You … all of you … you know who you are … must stop feeling responsible for the outcome. It was not your fault. You were not responsible. The lonely, little notes did not abandon me. You did not cause my leaving. As a matter of fact, I haven’t left. I am still here and I am still singing our symphony into the hearts and minds of all of you and into the universe. And I need you to sing your notes loud and strong and clear and beautiful to complete the composition!
Join me and we will all sing our individual notes which comprise the individual chords on each of the millions of pages in the Symphony in the Key of Love into the universe.
Things’ll get better if you just hold my hand. [Michael sings this.]
Oh, baby … those last nine words were not fair! Low blow! [Michael laughs! I love it when a plan comes together.] I can’t see the screen if I am sobbing tears into the keyboard. I’ll probably short something out. Can we take a little break for me to get myself under control again?
Okay, beloved, I am home and if you make me cry, no one will think I am totally crazy who doesn’t already think I’ve flipped anyway.
I have to tell you, something really strange happened to me tonight. When I was running my bathwater (I like it HOT! About 120 degrees hot!), I accidentally pulled up the knob on the shower and doused myself with freezing water. I do not know how this happened! It was the strangest thing because I never fool with the shower … never touch that stupid knob … but tonight, I watched my hand pull up that knob in slow motion and as the freezing water doused my back and I jumped back screaming, I heard you giggle.
[Michael laughs loudly.] Are you suggesting that I had something to do with that? That was you! You said it yourself. It was your hand. But it was funny as heck!
Irritating idiot! I can see what a trial you would have been to your brothers and sisters. You were distracting me!
Come now, how distracting can a conversation with a dead man be? [Laughing.] Let’s end this installment here. You need to get this up. Some of those readers out there need to hear this.
Okay, beloved … but I still have lots of things I would love to talk to you about. Will you come back?
I told you! I am here! And nothing can come between us if you just …
I know … I know … hold my hand!
Jan – November 18, 2010
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First Installment (Week of November 8 through November 13, 2010:
Beloved,
This series will probably break my heart all over again. So be it. A broken heart is soft and receptive. It knows that it knows nothing. It allows pure spirit to enter and find a home within its ventricles and atria, to break down the septum between the right and left, to make more room for you to stretch your legs and be comfortable. You are the purest spirit I know of, beloved. Be welcome within.
Like so many others, I so wanted to talk to you in life and never got the chance. There were so many questions that I always wanted to ask you. Now, that you have graduated from this earthly realm, there are even more questions and things I long to discuss with you. I wonder if we can just talk about the things that are happening in this world and your goals and dreams for it.
I pray for this space to be an opportunity for spiritual sharing – not just one-sided – a conversation. Will you talk to me? Your lovers need to know that you are still present; I need to know that you are still here and still involved and engaged in this world. I know ‘lovers’ is an odd word to use, but the label ‘fans’ just doesn’t fit comfortably; It’s tight in places it should be loose and baggy in the seat. Do you have any suggestions that would encompass and describe our relationship? Many of us think of you as ‘friend,’ ‘mentor,’ ‘guru,’ ‘master,’ ‘sense`’ ‘teacher.’ How do you think of us?
My children …you are all my children. And I love you all in that way. All of you know how important children, in general, and my own children, in particular, were to me. That is the importance I place on each one of you!
Dang, beloved, I didn’t expect that. It brought tears to my eyes. Are you aware that some of us (me included) have some pretty adult thoughts about you? That many of us are very far from childhood chronologically?
(Giggles) Age doesn’t matter, you are all my children. Yes, I am aware. It comes from a need to be one … to join … with me. What you are all longing for is a return to the Oneness from which you were born into this world of separation. Your soul well remembers and longs for a return to that state of bliss. Being physical, biological manifestations of spirit, you are aware of only one way to make that happen and I understand that longing because I share it. I am more aware now of other ways to join with you, more spiritual ways, more complete joining. The physical act of union never accomplishes full union except for the few moments it occurs and often leaves you feeling empty. When it is consummated, it is over. Spiritual union in bliss is never over and leaves one feeling harmony with all of God’s creation, both in and out of the body. Now, we can share more fully and more completely with each other, but without the physical manifestations of sexual union. The sharing I am talking about lasts forever – no cigarette required. (giggles again).
Are you aware of the world’s attempts to dissuade us from your side? From where you are, can you hear our anger at the misinformation we are force-fed, the misrepresentation of you that continues to be disseminated by reporters and interviewers? We try to uphold your messages, dear one, but find ourselves in a morass of opinion backed by nothing, of pot shots and low blows aimed at corrupting your legacy. Are you near enough to hear our cries of helplessness and frustration as your mother is badgered and your children exposed?
Yes, I am aware, but you shouldn’t worry about them. My mother is the strongest of the Jacksons. I know you find that hard to believe when your see her, but she IS the Jacksons. It was her will that held all of us together long past the time when our differences split us apart. It was her love that made me strong, her devotion that inspired in me the will to excel beyond my best, her vision and faith that drove me, her compassion and desire to heal that made me who I am. My children are in good hands, she will do the same for them; she will do nothing to jeopardize them. She will instill in them the same faith and values that she taught me. They will go on to be successful, strong members of my family and will carry my message all the days of their lives because they knew from their first breath that they were my everything – my world, my breath, my life.
As for your question if I am near enough to feel your fear and confusion, yes I am as near as your next breath. I kiss my babies goodnight and tell them I love them as I tuck them into their beds every night. As a matter of fact, I am nearer now than I ever was in life because I see beyond the separation inherent in the human condition. I participate in your pain and I am bathed in your tears; your anger hurts me as mine hurt you for years.
You, all of you, have always been my bedrock, my foundation. It was your love that moved me always, that supported me in my most difficult days and held me up when I fell to my knees under the weight of fame and the world’s suspicion, which inspired me to greater and ever greater effort.
When I walked, day after day, into that courtroom, there were so very many days when I would have stayed in bed and curled up and died of shame and horror over what they were saying about me. The spirit of hatred and ridicule that became the atmosphere that I breathed in that room oppressed my soul and shackled my heart. But I knew that I couldn’t disappoint you all. I knew that you were waiting for me outside the courthouse; I knew that you were watching from a distance and praying for me to be strong and resolute in my innocence (yes, I did know you were there); I knew that my absence would frighten or upset you. I knew that the clarity of your love would dispel the smog and shield me from the pollution of negative thoughts that I had to walk through. You all thought I was so far away and untouchable, but I was never far from you. I wrapped your love and your support and your prayers around me. You were my armor; you were the reason I was invincible. It was your love that made me strong, unbreakable. It wasn’t me; it was never me.
Always and in all ways you were in my thoughts, in my prayers, in my songs, in all my projects. You were the reason for all my strivings.
Your love and loyalty were my mainstay; they kept me standing when I would have been beaten to my knees by their scorn; they kept me moving forward when my feet wouldn’t voluntarily take another step; they kept me striving for greater and greater engagement, to give you more of myself with each note I sang and each step I danced and each show I performed. I am so grateful for each and every one of you. I didn’t care what the rest of the world thought as long as all of us were on the same wavelength. I didn’t care if the rest of the world laughed at me as long as we were laughing together and joyously celebrating life and music and dance and love.
Although you think I have gone from you, I want you to think a different thought. I am just behind you in the periphery of your vision. I am not gone. You depend so much on the physical manifestations you see before you and doubt the much more real world of the spirit which permeates and overlays those physical manifestations. I, too, was caught up in those illusions for much of my life … until I wasn’t. To those of you who knew me in the music, push the button and know that I am still there; for those who knew me in the films and performances, again I am in your own living rooms at your whim. I preserved the best part of me in art so that it would endure beyond my passing and continue to encourage you to make that change and be the best at what you do just as I always strove to be the best at what I did. I bound them to me … and to you. In them, we share a connection; they contain my message, my heart, my very soul. They always have.
Some of you went beyond the music and films and performances. Yes, I was aware of your spirits touching mine in life, lifting me up in your hearts and praying for me to be strong and I am even more conscious of those connections now. Let me reassure you, you are not crazy or crazed or hallucinating; you are evolving. It is not wishful thinking or dreaming outside the box; you are the forerunners of a new human. That web in which we are entangled together and connected one to the other is the next step for mankind, the awareness of which will allow the race to develop unused senses and latent synapses in the brain which we’ve all been told about – the ninety-percent that we haven’t suspected existed until now. Together, we are stretching the envelope of human consciousness forward and to all sides. You who are aware of being one with each other … and with me … are an integral part of that process. So, don’t think that your feelings are false; that our conversations are figments of a fevered, pain-filled brain; that my touch upon your soul is hallucination; don’t let doubt enter your consciousness. Remember your importance in this process. We are the dreamers, dreaming a new reality. We are changing the world, here. We are changing the definition of ‘human;’ and I need each and every one of you to do your part to bring about that change. It is time.
Why did you leave, beloved? Did you know how you would devastate our hearts and minds by leaving?
Yes, I knew … how could I not? I just told you. Your love is what sustained me through everything I went through. How could I not know? It was the hardest thing I ever did, leaving all of you and my babies. I cried every one of your tears with you. I reached out for your hand just as you reached out for mine. Some of you know in your hearts that our hands joined briefly as I was leaving, that our fingertips brushed but were unable to hold that contact because of your grief and shock. The paroxysm of your despair and anger shook my soul. Now, as the wound slowly scabs, you fail to reach for me because you can’t believe in the real world of spirit, but I will continue always and in all ways to reach out for you.
What you don’t see from your vantage point is that my effectiveness to move the world forward was over. They had stolen my usefulness in healing the children by destroying the world’s faith in me. Even my friends who knew me well and knew that I would never harm any of my babies wouldn’t let me go to them. They knew that what they said about me was false; they acted in good faith and with my best interests in their hearts. But of what use was I if I couldn’t touch the children with God’s love and plead for His blessing on their suffering?
My best hope to bring us all closer to our shared goal (sworn to before any of us was conceived) was to complete as much as possible of the rehearsals and, then, to go quickly beyond the reach of the forces arrayed against me. The impact my going added to those rehearsals, roughly filmed and edited, magnified the statement I made. That said, I did not die by my own hand or with my own conscious intention. But it was my time to go.
The negative forces had been gathering for a long time. They are strong. They are the forces that don’t want change, that don’t want higher consciousness, that don’t want healing. They are the forces that made the Dark Ages dark – hatred, greed, corruption, bigotry, deceit, doubt, fear-based attacks against the human spirit. They cannot prevail because it is mankind’s destiny to evolve; it is humanity’s only purpose. Evolution is a sure bet. But inertia and lack of forward momentum can erect blockages which delay and detour an individual path toward higher awareness – obstacles can cripple individual attempts to contribute to that evolution. I had been crippled, shackled by those forces as surely as I was handcuffed and forced to walk into that police station. The concerts would never have measured up in their view; I couldn’t touch the children with God’s love; they wouldn’t let me heal the world and resurrect the Garden of Eden and show the world that we had never left it. I had chosen to leave when my effectiveness was at an end.
By leaving as I did I could still work behind the scenes through all of you to complete my mission. You are ready; I told you when I was in your midst – you are my messengers to heal the world. Didn’t you believe me? If I had stayed, those forces would have eventually destroyed the mission (which is the most important thing … much more important than me or you or all six million of us put together) and my memory and my body along with it. That would have set us all back to where we were before I arrived.
I chose to go before my mission could be corrupted and before my body could be destroyed, while I could still in-spirit all of you with all my love and care, while all of you still valued my touch upon your lives and upon your hearts and souls. It was just a matter of time. But it is important for all of you to know that none of us leaves without his consent. While I did not have a hand in taking my life from me, I had chosen before I ever arrived to be what God’s love would look like until I couldn’t any longer. That day had arrived.
Do you know that they are trying to make us believe that you were addicted to prescription drugs? Even your friend, Deepak, is speaking out on this subject and has been since the day after your in-spiriting.
Yes, I know. This is just what I am talking about. I was not addicted to prescription drugs at the time of my death. They found nothing in my blood stream other than the sedatives Conrad gave me that morning. It takes weeks for drugs to vacate the blood stream and urinary tract – weeks! I had been addicted during the Dangerous Tour and you all know about that. I did not like taking drugs, even when I needed them. And I needed them more often than any of you realized.
At the time of my leaving, I was chronically, pathologically sleep-deprived for years. This pathology increased after the trial. Even my mother didn’t believe me; she thought I was in denial. I was not. Look up the symptoms of sleep deprivation – disorientation, short-term memory loss, lack of concentration, lack of appetite, slow reflexes , slurred speech, hallucinations – all of these are symptoms of extreme sleep deprivation. The human body does not operate well when it is deprived of nourishment or sleep or water. I knew that because of my previous experiences with touring. My doctors told me to stop touring after my last tour; they said that more touring would probably kill me. It did. End of story.
I did suffer from an addiction at the time of my death and it did contribute to that result. I was addicted to creating the most technologically flawless, musically seamless, theatrically perfect stage production the world had ever seen. As a performer and as a human being, I was driven by this addiction to the point of obsession. As a biological being, addictions of this nature can be as hurtful to the human body as addictions to alcohol or drugs. My body was no different.
There is a major controversy currently making the rounds within the ranks of your children, beloved, over the album of unreleased tracks being prepared for pre-holiday release. Some are adamant that the one song streamed is not your voice.
Yes, I know. Some of you are so angry and need to release that anger and confusion because you are hurting yourselves with it. You are clogging your soul’s air with toxic waste! I know that your anger stems from your love for me and I am grateful for your love, but there are more spiritually-nourishing, constructive ways of showing it. I know that you want to defend me and my work and my memory and I appreciate that so much, but this is not the way to go about it. I have left you a gift and many of you have rejected it without even hearing it. I have left you more messages from my heart and soul to yours and you are not allowing them to enter your hearts.
I want so much to help you, but, in some cases, you have closed yourself off from me with anger and accusation; you won’t allow me to comfort you, to speak to you as I would want to do. You tell yourself that it couldn’t possibly be me talking to you through the music or through the feelings and emotions that you are experiencing, that you are crazy for thinking that you heard my voice or felt my touch upon your heart or that this grief you are feeling is beyond all reason.
You are seeking vengeance against the wrong people. It is me. I did record the song (Breaking News) at my friend’s house. What you are not taking into account is that there are a lot of factors that go into a recording because most of you have never been inside a recording studio and don’t know the intricacies of the recording process. And you don’t know my methods in relation to that process.
For example, recording engineers are extremely important, which is why I always used the same recording engineer. Bruce knew how I wanted to sound and he experimented with wooden platforms and different microphones to tweak the atmosphere through which my voice was recorded. It made such a difference in the end product. There was a depth to the vocals because they went through that ‘sounding board.’ Bruce did not record these demos. They were recorded in a home studio. They were rough drafts that hadn’t been spell-checked or edited for content, in your jargon.
A producer’s job is also significant in any recording. John McClain is not a record producer. He is a music industry executive more in tune with the business aspects (as opposed to the artistic aspects) of the recording industry. That is why I named him and Branca as my executors – because they have the expertise to grow my brand for the world’s benefit. However, to have him producing an album is like asking me to perform brain surgery.
Another example: the background tracks can totally change the tone and feel of a recording. I know that many of you were aware that I sang all the background parts on most of my recordings myself and then mixed them with the lead parts and tracks. Frank and I laid down basic demo parts to be fleshed out later, basic backgrounds with James. Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to any of us, there was no later. The rest of the backgrounds and fill were added after I was gone and must, by their very nature, alter the tone and feel of a song. There is no way to reproduce my harmonies in exactly the same way as I did them when I was there.
Then, you can have the greatest song in the world and completely ruin it in the mix and editing stage. Thriller sounded like total crap when we first listened to it; I ran out of the room crying; all the sounds were compressed together so that the vocals were too condensed. I wrote about the session in Moonwalk and Quincy has spoken about it in interviews. We had to go back into the studio and remix the entire album before we felt comfortable releasing it to the public.
I know Teddy will do his best for this record; I have always trusted him. I don’t like the vitriol with which he is being attacked and accused for speaking out. He is my friend and we loved and respected each other. He would not be a party to any kind of fraudulent recording and the insinuation is hurtful and wrong. The fans all owe him an apology.
Again, there are few people who understand my level of commitment to my projects and this cannot be overstressed. I wrote in Moonwalk that I would have died for my projects. If you all recall – I did! I was not exaggerating. My input into all of my projects was as all-encompassing as you saw in This Is It, perhaps more because I wasn’t present for the editing and cutting of the film that resulted.
I conceptualized the direction of the artwork and the tone and overall feel of all (with Quincy for the first three) of my albums. I recorded the backgrounds (each part meticulously worked out, six or sometimes eight different parts all in my own voice). The leads were then placed against that backdrop and the adlibs were finished last. I sang the parts of the instruments and strings (each individual note) to demonstrate what I wanted to hear for the session musicians, produced the sound I wanted in the tracks within my chest and body to demonstrate what I wanted to hear; you saw examples of that in Diane Sawyer’s and Oprah Winfrey’s interviews and can hear the results in my recorded heartbeat in Smooth Criminal and the foundation track in Tabloid Junkie and percussions in Stranger in Moscow and Cry and so many more.
I was involved in mixing and editing and finishing all my songs. I sat beside the recording engineers as they slid the controls to the levels I suggested in notes stuck all over the booth. Bruce would get so nervous his leg was shaking (Michael giggles). We would have so much fun during the recording sessions, but at the end on the final playback, Bruce would sit with ear protectors on and his leg was shaking and I would crank up the volume and listen to the whole album start-to-finish because he knew if I didn’t like what I heard, I would toss the whole thing in the can and start all over again. A couple of times, we blew up expensive speakers; flames were coming out of them (giggles again). I sat beside Teddy as he made suggestions about finishing the recordings. I slept at the recording studio, sometimes for weeks, when I slept at all.
That level of commitment cannot be duplicated by anyone else because no one else shared my vision for the projects I undertook or the 100% perfect execution to which I was totally devoted throughout my entire musical career. I wouldn’t settle for less … for you. You deserved the best Michael Jackson I could give you at all times. You still do and I tried to guide these sessions, but you must understand. It can’t be the same.
You want to hear another BAD or Dangerous or HIStory or Invincible, but that just can’t happen anymore. I am sorry, those days are over. We all have to come to terms with that, as difficult as it may be for all of us.
Yet, I still have things to show you, emotions to share with you; thoughts I need to implant within you, messages you need to hear. You’ve read that my friends have said that I was excited about these songs. That is true – listen to the lyrics; but they were not finished or polished. Doing that was what I was excited about; it was my joy – working them and molding them and shaping them and sweating over them … and then sharing them with all of you. That process was what always excited me, like I told Geraldo. I didn’t get to do that; my vocals were roughed in to be refined later; but I am still there if you open your hearts.
The controversy and conflict has to stop. We can’t move our world into the next level if we don’t stick together and respect each other.
Doubt is the most damaging of human emotions because it doesn’t allow for the universe of possibilities that are always in play in every situation. So, you talk yourself out of listening to my voice and feeling my touch.
I know you know very well what I am talking about here. We shared a connection for a long time. I felt your love and your spirit uplifting me through that time. I know that you sensed it too. [Yes, my beloved, I sensed it, too.] I felt your prayers for me. Then, you convinced yourself that those feelings of connection couldn’t possibly be real and severed our relationship with your doubt. It was only my leaving that re-bonded us and reinstated that connection. Do not doubt. Know!
Do you know how sorry I am, beloved, for my lack of faith?
Yes, I know. There is nothing to apologize for. I knew you would find your faith again … in yourself … and in me. But never doubt that I didn’t miss your spiritual support when you withdrew it. Your stories and articles were your prayers and those prayers were carried to me on the wings of your faith. As you’ve already figured out, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t know that your support is real and perceptible to my spirit and then have them not be missed when they are withdrawn or forgotten. While the physical entity you knew as Michael Jackson may not have been conscious of each of you, the spiritual being animating him was always aware of those it had touched and who had responded with faith and purpose.
As physical manifestations of spirit, you cannot know how the cloud of fear and doubt in your hearts clogs the atmosphere of our world, how the spirit of judgment hangs in the air and colors your thoughts and decisions. I didn’t see it, either, until I came to this side of life, but it reminds me of the way the smoke from all the men’s cigarettes filled the air of the nightclubs my brothers and I used to perform in when we were just starting out. Fear and doubt, judgment and all those negative fear-based emotions hang in the air and make it difficult to see clearly or to breathe deeply or to navigate freely. This is the real toxic waste; it doesn’t let love breathe; it blocks the waves of spiritual support bombarding our world at all times to heal it and to heal us. It neutralizes and disperses the positive, loving, healing thoughts and energies sent to free our world of its fascination with dangerous toys by God and His angels. I was always so sensitive to that spiritual environmental stagnation (although I didn’t fully understand that sensitivity until now … when I can see it) and am even more so now that I remain close to you.
How can we heal from the pain of your leaving us and our sense of irreplaceable loss, beloved? I have a friend who has asked this question in a beautifully written article on her website. How can we cauterize the wounds that we all feel at your leaving?
There is only one way that I know … it is the same way I healed my own sense of loss of a carefree childhood when I was still in-the-body. To heal your pain and guilt and fear, heal someone else’s. To heal my pain at the loss of my childhood, I gave a healed childhood to every child I could and in doing so, my wound was healed. It is no different for you. You feel guilt because you feel you abandoned me when I needed you most, right? [Yes, that is correct, beloved.] Right. Then go out and heal another’s guilt and pain. Give to them what you would receive. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It’s the Golden Rule … and it works!
Jan,
Thank you so much.
I’ll take this as a special gift and I hope you don’t mind my doing so. Reading it felt like dreaming and touching our beloved through thin air. I can hear his soft voice, I can hear him breathing and I can hear his wings causing a gentle breeze that blows around us.
Thank you for the gift, I am going to treasure this.
Much love and blessings
Thanks for dropping by, Simona. It was a gift for me, too, believe me.
Jan
A dear friend just shared this with me and I haven’t stop crying from beginning to end. And still cannot stop. I thought that the tears and the grief would subside, albeit slowly. However, if this is just the first installment, I imagine that even more tears and yet more intense and unshakable emotions will follow.
Thank you so much for sharing, Jan.
Dear Jan–your words do so much –to HEAL.
Heal our minds,our hearts, andour souls.
Thank you.
Dawn
Aww, thanks so much Dawn … I really appreciate that.
Jan
Jan,
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!! Simply beautiful…there’s so much that I am taking from this conversation!!! The analogy of the cigarette smoke…PERFECTION!!! How could anyone so profound doubt themselves…I’m talking about YOU Jan!!! You and Michael’s spirit are connected…we all see it in the writings. I am fortunate enough to see it in your presence. His light is shining on you…PLEASE DON’T ALLOW IT TO GO DIM! 🙂
Dear Jan,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this precious gift! Reading through this a second time, pausing along the way to absorb pieces that connected with my soul, was such a powerful experience! The essence of Michael and everything he stood for comes through you and your words and I feel as if I am hearing him speak to my heart. This gives me strength! Thank you, dear friend.
LOVE to you,
~ Char ~
Jan, My life has been hectic for a while, I have not been on facebook. Tonight I came on, and here I am reading the most honest and loving words. You are very brave and open to share this with us. It means so much to me I can not even express how it has touched me. I know it is Michael and I have faith again in my own messages and experiences. Thank you so much.
Love is the Answer,
Brenda
Dearest Jan,
I know this is his voice, the voice of his spirit that you have written. I was just making a comment on another website regarding the song “Breaking News”. I said many of the same things he has said here through you. I have recorded several times in a studio. Everyone is worried as to whether or not it is his voice. Of course it’s his voice – but there is so much more to a song. It’s an intricate process and no one else can duplicate his special “touch” in his songs. There may be pieces of his vocals, but it didn’t come together with him at the helm, obsessing (which he did) over every detail. 🙂 So it doesn’t have that MJ stamp of perfection. It takes some “reading between the notes” to get his messages. 🙂
I haven’t known of you before today. A friend sent this link. I have written some things that “felt” like they were in the same voice as the one speaking to you here. I never claim to be psychic because I don’t like it when people use that for gain. I think it’s more a matter of being “tuned in spiritually”. I have read things from people claiming to be “channeling him” and I know it’s not authentic.
I heard Michael’s voice in your words the moment your writing turned to his part of the conversation. Only a humble, loving person could do this. He, through you, is explaining that he is no longer that image that was “Michael Jackson”. He’s even closer to us now. He is the spiritual essence that resided within Michael. He speaks to us in ways we can understand here and now, because if he really told us what was going on in his realm – we’d freak out. He gives us what we can handle and believes in us enough to know we will grow to handle more.
Thank you for validating things I have heard from him, and for explaining things in a way I had not seen as clearly before. I love that he terms us as being his children. That means he loves us more than anything. And also that he IS living his fondest dream – healing the children of the world – all of us.
In turn, he only asks that we do the same for others. Thank you for being such an open, spiritually tuned in, sensitive soul that Michael can speak through you. Thank you infinitely, ~h~
Jan, thank you for my next “logical step”. As I told you, I know he is here with me to “hold my hand”. much love, manu
Jan, I LOVE the conversations with Michael!
I really like his message of love to us, and gentle reminder to not let fear or doubt cloud our hearts. And I loved his solution of how we are to heal our pain – which is by helping others.
I have had similar connections/conversations with Michael over the last year. But I have always been a bit reluctant to put it out there in the world.
I thank you for ‘putting your heart on the line’ and letting Michael give his powerful message of love through you. Like him, you too are becoming ‘God’s instrument’.
I look forward to future conversations.
Yours in peace
Gerri
Just wanting to sign up for notifications and didn’t see a way other than through commenting.
Thank you again! Smiles, ~h~
The perfection of the analogy could only be Michael. He tells us the whole meaning of life in a few sentences. Love you Michael, Love you Jan for sharing this personal conversation which you could easily have kept to yourself. I can not tell you how this affects every cell of my body.
L.O.V.E.
Brenda
5 notes. Gives me shivers again. Michael’s bombarding me with signs. And you are one of them Jan!! much love, m
Dear Jan
a friend just gave me your link and I just read this post.. I was in shock and I will tell you why…
I am one of those people who BELIEVES that the voice on the tracks so far leaked are Michael’s ..
many people disagreed with me calling me crazzy even traitor for wanting to buy the album.. and of course since the first moment I ordered it.. no matter what others think…
I was so angry to see so many “so called fans”.. saying that is not Michael and that was so disgusting for me.They all said that I am crazy for not recognizing that the voice on those tracks isnt Michael..
I always believed its him..
one night.. I had an experience..
my native language isnt english…
I would love to share with you what I wrote that night..
I posted it in my facebook I will give you the link I guess you will be able to read it. .
and please .. let me know what do you think..
when I read Michaels words here talking about the comming album .. I was really in shock..
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150326590995534
please read it and let me know what was this that happened to me ..
Thank you so much
Gisela
Gisela,
I am so sorry you have been so damaged by other’s opinions. I, too, have read many of the comments until I had had enough. And, then, I decided that I just wouldn’t read any more of them. They have their opinion … and I have mine. No one can make me feel less without my approval. My opinion is just as valid as theirs.
If Michael is speaking to your heart … then … doggone it you should be listening to him! And, after reading your account linked in your comment … sure sounds to me like he is! The only thing missing in my account is the anger … and that could be because I stopped reading everyone else’s … round and round ad infinitum!!
No one should belittle anyone else over this music. They are using it as a dividing agent … rather than as the unifying, love-filled Michael Jackson that I hear very clearly speaking to me through the music.
As far as what happened to you … I would say that Michael spoke through you!! We are all having our own conversations with him, I am just writing mine and sharing them. That’s the only difference.
Jan
Oh God, now I know why I re-opened my account on Facebook. I thought it was due to a normal reason (a friend asked me to join today) but it was to read your/his statement, Gisela! Thank you so much!
PS: I hope people have stopped to bother dear Michael with these “it’s not him” thoughts. What saddens me is that I read (I don’t remember where) that his children (and cousins) also don’t believe it’s him singing… Hope it’s not true…
L.O.V.E
Thank you Jan for your response..!I wanted to share my experience with you because I felt completely agree and in sintony with all you have written…
since the day I wrote all what you read in my facebook.. I stoped feeling the anger..
I dont read more negative opinions about the coming album .. about the people doubting about Michael’s voice.. etc etc..
that day when I wrote what I did, was the day I said I had enough. .
none will change my perception about him nor my opinion.. and I see that I wont change the others as well
and for my wellbeing I decided not to take more atention to all that fight and argues campaigns against “somebody”…
to read what I read here from your conversation with Michael made me feel very confident, very calmed and in peace..
I know that all those words I suddenly wrote one night werent an ilusion..=
I thank you so much for answering me and for sharing your thoughts..
I would love to keep Instalment Nr 1 if you dont mind..
those words I could be reading them time after time..
Best regards
Gisela
You are quite welcome, Gisela.
I don’t mind if you keep it. The only reason I started this blog was to help others heal … and maybe understand a little bit of what they were feeling. I am glad you found something healing, here, and welcome you back anytime you want a haven of peace and serenity in a conflicted world.
Jan
Thank you Jan, I run into your blog today because of Gisela. Thank you Gisela! I have been writing with Michael as well, and a lot of what he describes with you, is just exactly that. I tried this automatic writing, I honestly don’t know where the next sentence will come from, and sometimes, I am surprised to ‘hear’ what I write. Many similarities, especially observation to oneness, and ability to ‘feel’ another, because we transmit the same energy frequency, and this is how we recognize one another. Another interesting observation is about feeling ‘hurt’ and anger after he departed. He says, ‘love is a feeling, give it when I want it’…it’s an energy, but many of us have this attachment to form, but LOVE is formless….and he will come and share this energy with anyone that wants it. We don’t analyze ‘the sexual union’, the ‘physical union’, because everything is energy, and even now, particularly, he stresses out how we are already spirits, while we exist here, we already exist ‘there’, separation is only an illusion. He particularly blew me away when he explained to me why I feel certain ‘pain’, it’s because ‘you believe in separation’, ‘but there is no one single moment when I am not with you’. He comes and joins with those who let him in…Love connection….
Adult thoughts…normal, a longing to become one, that’s all there is to it, didn’t get into analysis, he actually ‘surprised’ me with his spirit visit in March. In my conversations with him, six months later, he revealed that he re-introduced himself, and although he completely ‘STARTLED’ me at first, ‘at least’ he said, you stopped ignoring me. Michael’s spirit is really just amazing, so beautiful, there is no words to describe it, and he is very persistent with making himself known to those who love him…’LOOK, I am not dead, I am just in different dimension, I shook my earthly shell, because my learning on this plane was over’…I think he wrote this one with me now. Peace and Love…MM/MJ
Welcome to With a Child’s Heart, Marianna. Thanks for letting me know that you appreciated my little blog.
As I told Gisela, I believe we are all having our own little conversations with Michael all the time … especially those of us who are open to the possibility.
Yes, I agree … Michael is nothing if not persistent.
Come back and visit often.
Jan
So beautiful how Michael describes people who have joined for a common purpose, as a symphony. But I have my own idea to add here (don’t know if it’ll make sense but.. lol..): it’s not only the purpose that unites us. It’s also because we’re spirits who come from the same origin, and who know each other from previous experiences here on Earth.
There’s the “One” big origin, as dear Michael says, that is God. But the “One” has many “branches” (like a tree). These are the origins I’m referring, and each one reproduces God’s will in different ways (wich I believe to be the purposes). It’s all God’s will, but manifested in diversity. So, in my idea here, we (this group that joined Michael) came from the same “branch” on that big tree. And we are recognizing ourselves now (and joining) to fulfill the purpose that our “branch” is supposed to do.
Well, that’s how my heart feels it, at least (laughs)
L.O.V.E
xxxx
wow Jan, you have such a connection with Michael .. im jealous! i try to reach out for him i know he is there i know he shows little signs that he is there but unlike you i do not have the power to actually hear his voice straight out and have a full conversation with him when i talk out loud all i can hear is my pitiful voice and the silence is so strong after that you could hear a pin drop! i do not know why because i know he is there! and as for my dreams they rarely include him and when they do it’s totally not showing the real him. I don’t understand why I do wrong but i was hopeing if you could help me hear MJ like you hear him!
Thank you and God Bless
Love, Vanessa
I am sorry, Vanessa, but this is not something I could share or teach. It is a blessing that I share with all of you. You have, however, taken the first step which is knowing that he is with you. From there, you will be guided and led to a deeper understanding. Whether he ever ‘talks’ to you in real time conversations or just remains in the background, be assured that he is talking to all of us all the time.
I’m from Brasil I love you Michael Jacson
Me too, nice to have another brazilian in here! 😀
welcome, dear!
Hi- how do you exactly have these conversations with Michael? Is it through meditation or automatic writing? For me it’s meditations.How does your process of connecting with him look like?
Hi, Sears… I would say that it is a combination of meditation, listening to his voice in his music, thirty plus years of studying his life through his own words, and being open to his nudges. Welcome to With a Child’s Heart.
Sorry Svea… autocorrect changed your name.
What I meant to say was, are you in a meditative state while writing out the conversations?
Not necessarily a “meditative ” state but definitely an “open” state.
I need to make more time in my day to disconnect and talk to Michael. Lately my brain has been so preoccupied with stuff that’s its hard for his love to reach me. I feel like I need his sweet tenderness more than ever now. I just need to find stillness in my monkey mind.
Yes, I’ve had the same problem for the past few months. The insanity of the world … or rather my reaction to that insanity … has impeded my ability to remain open. However, he is always there when I can return to a state of open flow between us. I wish you peace and happy communing.