Conversations – Installment #12

January 22 through January 29, 2011

Michael, in our last conversation you referred to being two different people … and you described what it was like for you to stand at the side of the stage and prepare to awe us all with your amazing talent. You described how the Music took over completely and you said that you often weren’t aware of what the attitude-filled, physically confident Michael had done until you returned to your hotel room and viewed the videotapes of the performances.

Yes, I remember.

Well, I just have to ask you this question … and I hope it doesn’t embarrass you too much … but did you know while you were strutting your … uh … considerable STUFF across those stages that you are the sexiest man who ever graced the face of this earth?

[Michael giggles a little.] What makes you ask that?

Okay … I guess a little background information is required. Almost twenty years ago, when I first saw Moonwalker, I thought that the short film for Come Together was the sexiest thing I had ever seen. The sensual movements of your body to the beat of the song, your clothing (those black, patent-leather pants with the round medallions and huge silver belt that emphasized every sultry twitch and roll of your hips and pelvis … those pants were painted on, baby, seriously [Michael giggles again.] … and that bright yellow shirt open all the way to your waist with the white t-shirt underneath, the tear down the middle moving up and down as the song progressed until at the very end it revealed your entire chest with your right arm raised in a defiant gesture) … Lord have mercy, beloved! It drove me crazy and I watched it over and over and over again. I still love it to this day, almost twenty years later! I didn’t think there could possibly be anything sexier.

Then, after your re-birth when I started collecting again, I got a disc with a performance of Dirty Diana from New York in 1988 (second leg of the BAD Tour.) After just one viewing, this performance (I had to rewind it several times to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing) supplanted Come Together as the sexiest thing I had ever seen in my life.  The stage is dark except for one white spotlight shining down from above … just the microphone stand and you in the spotlight … white silk shirt billowing in the fan from the front of the stage with your usual white t-shirt underneath … tight black pants … your beautiful body becoming the heavy, slow, sensual rhythm of the song behind the microphone stand … and what you did to that microphone stand with your hand was so erotic and suggestive, it would have definitely been banned in many fundamentalist countries. [But I totally messed up the first verse … forgot the words!]

[Jan laughs.] Baby, you mean the song has words? Damn, I’m sorry I missed that! Who cares about the words? We are so totally not listening to the words! We are hypnotized, mesmerized by your body’s sexy undulations … they are a thing of beauty – pure, unadulterated, undiluted, unashamed, unapologetic sex! You are making love to that microphone stand … and to every person lucky enough to be in that audience … and by extension everyone who has ever watched a clip of that performance! [Michael giggles again.] Anyone who has ever seen it … whether live or on film … can almost feel your fingertips caressing them … has fantasies of being your microphone stand, including me! So, of course I watched it over and over and over again. It will always be one of my favorite performance clips. I love it!

You are the only human being I have ever seen who can make love to 100,000 people at once and leave them … every one of them … not only satisfied … but tingling with anticipation of your next touch … and impregnated with your dreams for us as a people! Baby, you are MAGIC!

But, today … well … I think both of the above performances are gonna have to move over to make room for what I saw today. It was a collection of performance clips put together by a female fan with an updated rap cover of Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing providing the musical accompaniment … and the entire four minutes is sexy as hell, but there is one 15-second clip of you performing somewhere on the HIStory Tour (those gold pants are a dead give-away … and illegal, by the way) where … well it would embarrass me to tell you what you did … but you nearly stopped my heart! I thought I had seen it all, but … baby … you had to know that you were driving us all absolutely out of our minds!  You just loved to tease us, didn’t you?

Why doesn’t anyone ever say, “Sexy as heaven?” Why does hell get to have all the fun? [Michael laughs.] God is a victim of bad press. She gives us joy … and the human race makes it into sin … puts all kinds of restrictions and limitations and prerequisites on it.

Like I said in our last conversation … there were always two Michael Jackson’s … the attitude-filled, physically-confident one … and the shy, easily-embarrassed, childlike one. The one who took over on-stage was a flirt all the way and totally uninhibited. He often shocked me with some of the things he did on stage.

You remember the Oprah interview when she asked why I grabbed my crotch and I told her that I was a slave to the music … that my body became the emotion of the sounds that I was hearing … the bass and the strings … when I was on stage. My actions were dictated by the attitude of the music … and my interpretation was different in every show. That is the exact truth. Sure, there were tightly rehearsed, choreographed parts of the shows, but there was latitude, too … places where I could ad lib, you know? I would go back to my hotel room after the performance was over and watch the videotape and think, “No way I did that!” even though I was sitting there watching me do it!

I didn’t think of myself in that way when I was off-stage. I couldn’t have. If I had thought that I was going out there to be some kind of sex idol [Michael giggles again] I never could have gone out there … it would have paralyzed me … I would have been too embarrassed!

But when Music took over … and the other Michael was out there … well … he demanded attention in every way he could and he was not coy or inhibited about it … he courted it … wooed it … flirted outrageously with the girls he could see from the stage, especially the ones he recognized … the girls who followed me from place-to-place. A couple of your readers know this is true! He was supremely confident … sure of his impact … his absolute right to command that stage … and his attraction. He was not the slightest bit awkward or intimidated or embarrassed …  and he used every one of the tools at his disposal to get and keep your attention … from pyrotechnics and dance routines to lighting and magic illusions … to suggestiveness and overt sexuality … anything and everything! I had an important mission … to awaken your hearts and minds … to make them receptive to my message … and then to deliver that message in such a way that it would stay with you … so that you would leave those arenas and still hear my voice and see my body and remain open to the message as it was planted and sprouted in your hearts and minds.  In every town … and every country … and every venue … across the entire world, that was always my goal and I wasn’t bashful or shy about using any means at my disposal to make that happen.

Yes, he knew exactly what he was doing … that he was driving you all crazy … he reveled in it … he loved that he was driving you crazy! He lived for that adulation.

Jekyll and Hyde … really! I was not kidding. That’s what it felt like. It was uncomfortable at times. It was scary at times! Other times, it was amusing. If I hadn’t been sure that what I was channeling was good and right and true … that it was God-inspired and given to me to do … I wouldn’t have been able to do it at all.

The fact that the physically-confident, attitude-filled Michael Jackson did his job so well allowed the shy, easily-embarrassed Michael Jackson to do the other thing that God had given me to do … because mine was always a two-part mission. It was because he was traveling the world and performing for millions of people that it was possible for me to visit so many different places and touch so many children’s lives with God’s love.

Well, you gotta know, baby … the combination was devastating … deadly … a one-two punch that left us all wondering what kind of train just hit us!  We all wanted to hug the stuffing out of you … when we didn’t want to jump your bones, that is … and we fluctuated back and forth between the two with dizzying rapidity! You aroused the maternal instinct in us one moment and stoked erotic fires and fantasies that we had no idea we even had the next!

Can you imagine the attention-demanding, flirtatious, sexually-magnetic, physically-confident, over-the-top, powerhouse Michael Jackson in a hospital or orphanage setting? He would have been hopeless! [Michael laughs again … longer this time.] But he made the hospital and orphanage visits possible! That part of my mission required the quiet, shy, easily-embarrassed Michael Jackson … and was as important … if not more important … to me on a personal level … than the performing part of my job. Both were me! Each fed me and made me who I am and I couldn’t have been who I am without either one of them … and all the others.

God works in mysterious ways and I was perfectly designed to accomplish the mission She gave me. She gifted me with a body that could not be still if She was around and responded to Her with a strength and purpose that was unusual … a mind that could transcribe the music that She gave me … a heart that loved deeply, genuinely, openly so that I could channel Her love. If you think about it at all … it’s amazing.

Can you imagine what it was like to walk into a hospital room anywhere in the world and watch a sick child’s face light up with joy when she realizes that Michael Jackson has just walked into her room? Or to tell a sick child to visualize that Pac-Man is eating up all the cancer cells that are making him sick … and to hear later that his cancer has gone into remission? Or to know that there is a young man alive today … with all the promise that entails … who would not have survived if we hadn’t found him a liver? Or that children in a former Eastern bloc country are receiving up-to-date medical treatment in a clean and healthy facility because I stopped by and made them clean the place up? Can you imagine how thrilled I was when I heard that a young child’s illness had disappeared  after we prayed together … or a little girl had come out of a coma because I called to her and told her to follow the sound of my voice back to the light … or to know that a boy’s cancer had disappeared after spending time with me at Neverland? Those kinds of miracles happened … not as often as I would have liked … but they happened … and I am so grateful to have been able to have been a small part of that.

Miracles come in all shapes and sizes from complete remission … to a child being able to forget for a couple of hours that he is sick … to being allowed to run and play in a fairyland that is safe and free of danger and full of magic and love … to being less fearful of his treatments even though he knows that they are painful or make him puke … to petting a llama for the first time … to being handed a sno-cone by a chimp … to watching an elephant chomp on a watermelon. Life is a miracle! Love is a miracle! A smile topped by a bald head is a miracle from the right perspective!

Beloved! That is amazing! How do you do that? Some of my friends have been discussing this very subject! Stories are beginning to be circulated by some of the many people you welcomed into your beautiful home … children who tell stories of playing at the amusement park and meeting you at Neverland. One of them had read a story about a child who had been diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer and visited you at Neverland and you placed your hand on her head and said, “God bless you.” Later, you invited her family to dinner and finished the day by praying with them and she described your prayer as, “I had never … and still have never … heard anyone pray like that.” About a week later, when she was scheduled to begin her chemotherapy … her doctors told her and her family that she was cancer-free.

This particular friend was only attracted to you after you had left us and had experienced the same kind of curiosity that I felt almost twenty years ago and many have felt since that day … but, she was not as aware of this aspect of your mission and wanted me to ask you if you are a healer.

[Michael giggles.] No, I am not a healer … I have no credentials in the healing arts … although I will admit to being a catalyst for healing … a channel for healing … but no more … and no less … than each and every one of you can be a channel for healing. God is the Ultimate Healer … and Love is another name for God … so you could say that Love heals. And, as you all know, I love all children … including the sick and dying and abused and disenfranchised.

When all the kids would come out to Neverland … as they were getting off the buses, I greeted them, when I was there, by tousling their hair or touching their heads and praying for God’s blessing on their suffering. Like I told you before in earlier conversations, I knew in my heart … had faith … that my prayer had already been answered. When I walked through the hallways of all those hospitals and orphanages and visited with the kids and brought them toys, I placed my hand on their little heads and said, “God bless you.” And I knew that God blessed them in that moment … and I was grateful for that regardless of whatever shape or size or form that blessing took. But, the blessing, itself, came from God … not from me. If they were healed, it was our Beloved Father that did the healing … not me. All I did was ask … have faith … and thank God for answering my prayer. All of you can do the same.

I know that love is the basis of all life … trees and plants and mountains and rivers and every species of animal and even mankind … are love-based creations because they were all created by God and God is Love. At Neverland, I envisioned a small patch of Earth where love was the only rule … belief was the only method … gratitude was the only pre-requisite … and imagination was the only mode of transport for creating magic. And miracles are just God’s magic illusions. Within those gates, L.O.V.E. was the most important thing. It was the green of the lawns and trees … and the yellow and orange and red of the flowers … it was the blue of the sky … it was the very air we breathed. My goal was to create a space where miracles had room to occur away from the prying eyes of cameras and doubters and people who would do their level best to convince those children that it was all ‘impossible’ … for their own good, of course … even children have to face reality. At Neverland, L.O.V.E. was reality. And some of them were cured.

Outside the gates, the world of fear and doubt, disillusionment and disappointment … the world of negativity held sway, but inside the gates was God’s kingdom … where nothing is impossible … where love and faith move mountains … where magic is an everyday occurrence. Everyone who worked there was told that if they didn’t believe … they had to leave. It wasn’t God that they had to believe in … there was no specific religion or dogma they had to follow … they had to believe that inside the gates was a special place where magic … and miracles … happened. No one was ever fired for stealing from me, as I told you in our previous conversation. If they were fired, it was because they had failed to believe in the magic of love that lived behind the gates … and the miracles that Love couldn’t help but produce when allowed to flourish in a space free from doubt and fear and judgments of ‘impossible.’ Their theft was just a very visible expression of that lack of faith.

Today (the 25^th) was the day of the Major Love Prayer, beloved. I can’t always participate because I am always at work at the time (in my time zone) that the prayer occurs, but today I managed to take a few minutes just before 4:00 PM to join with like-minded others from all around the world and send out that “major love” you sang about in Another Part of Me. This is just another of the wonderful ways you’ve inspired your children to impact the world around them. I believe that if we are going to heal this world, this is where we’ve got to start.

Anyway, the reason I brought this subject up is that … I felt you very near during that few minutes. I felt very strongly that you were joining your prayers for this world to ours … adding a more spiritual dimension to our prayer circle.

Yes … and I was not alone. All of us pray for all of you … all the time. When you take the time to join together in a spirit of love and with the goal of healing your world and each other … and have faith that you can make a difference,  God’s universe pauses and prays with you. Earth is constantly showered with prayer and loving and healing energies by God and the angels and saints. When you join that chorus and pray with us, ah … the symphony that results is a thing of incredible beauty and strength. We can coat the entire planet with love … together. There’s nothing that can’t be done if we raise our voice as One. [Michael sings this line.]

I find it so amazing that you have had such an all-encompassing impact on this world. The Major Love Prayer is just one of the projects you’ve inspired … there are thousands of others. You have changed this world in so many unbelievably public … as well as unimaginably intimate ways, changing individual hearts. Like mine, for example. Through one television broadcast that was, admittedly, watched by a whole bunch of people all over the world, you gathered me … and so many countless others … to you like a farmer gathers a harvest. You changed the music industry, the short-film medium, the music video genre, the world of dance and physical expression, the art of performance. But, more importantly, with your dedication to your craft and your great love for us, you inspired in us all the desire to be more than we ever thought we could be. One man! Just one man … you, beloved. You did the work of millions. Thank you so much for all that you gave us … for all the sacrifices you made to become the you that you became … the you that we all love so much.

God bless you!

Beloved, I’ve been thinking about this phenomenon a lot lately.

Phenomenon? What phenomenon is that?

The phenomenon I am referring to is the way you have touched so many different people … in all walks of life and parts of the world … and inspired in us all something of which even we were unaware. “Touching off a spark that comes shining through. It tells you never be afraid.” [Jan sings this.]

I have internet friends and colleagues who are all fascinated with you and write about you … but all of us from slightly different angles. One of my friends takes a very metaphysical approach while others approach from an advocate’s point of view … some are very precise and analyze media articles and personalities or legal aspects with meticulous attention to detail. I have these conversations with you while others express themselves in beautiful poetry or in drawing or painting or dancing or singing or writing or illustrating children’s books, but at the heart of all the differences there is a common factor … and that common factor is that we all see something deeply spiritual in you … and in your impact upon our lives … that the rest of the world either can’t see … or completely ignores.

One of my readers left a comment here after reading our last conversation that shook me up a bit. She commented that she was more into her spiritual experiences and studies … that she is a mystic … but has created a character to conform more closely with what the world expects in order to survive on this earth … because the world doesn’t understand those of us who live from a mystic viewpoint. I so totally get that and think her comment was very perceptive. I wonder if that is what we all seem to share … our tendency to live from a more spiritual place. And I wonder if that is what attracted us all to you to begin with.

You, like all of us, come from a very mystical place … which is what we all recognized and developed such an affinity towards … but, unlike the rest of us, you refused to be ‘more like them’ … and stood proudly and acted firmly from that mystical place within. You reshaped the world’s expectations of you  … refused to let it define you … dared to be unique and recognized. You didn’t create a character or role to be more like what the world expected of you … wouldn’t allow it to make you less than you are … didn’t create a mask to hide behind … didn’t shield that dazzling light under any kind of bushel, but just let it shine.  You are blinding, baby, to everyone around you.

There are really only two ways to respond to that kind of blinding light … one can use it as inspiration and emulate the purity of its beams … love it and thank God for it … and hold it close and cherish it … or one must fear it … belittle it … dampen it … destroy it … make it outcast … kill it. There are no happy mediums.

Unfortunately, because you wouldn’t let them make you less than you are … those who feared your brilliant light had to find a way to douse it.

The problem is that they didn’t douse it! [Michael laughs.] Because I am still here … now my light shines in all of you. They didn’t destroy it … they just spread it out to envelope the world. They made hundreds of thousands of flames that burn just as strongly and just as purposefully all over the world. You must never think that they have had the last laugh. That can only happen if you … my children … forget the message that I implanted in your hearts from all those stages … all over the world … using all the means at my disposal, which is how this conversation began. We have come full circle.

Jan – January 28, 2011

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Conversations – Installment #11

Week of January 15 through January 22, 2011

Beloved, the way you ended our last conversation was so moving … so uplifting. Thank you for always being so invested in us, yet soaring so high above us … for being so firmly rooted in the earthly plane, but stretching always towards the perfection of heaven … and encouraging us to stretch ourselves to reach you with your every breath. You are a bridge connecting Earth and heaven. You embody art which has at its very heart the goal of bringing the observer closer to a spiritual definition of life and love … to show us all how to view our individual lives through the telescopic lens of the larger picture. Although the span between the mundane and the sublime seems unreachable, with your life you show us how to step across it the way you taught your brother, Randy, how to jump puddles when you walked him home from school. We see so much to emulate in you.

God bless you! It is important for all of you to realize that we are all part of a larger whole … a larger plan … that symphony we talked about. And together, working with one purpose, we can realize that plan, bringing mankind forward … enlarging and enriching his experience of both sides of life.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We do not have to struggle to survive. We do not have to hide our true selves from each other and create masks to cover our wounds. Our lives don’t have to be made up of desperation and insecurity and fear of each other … and of God and life and love. That is a choice we are making by fearing our neighbors and hording our resources and destroying our planet. We can step into a fuller definition of humanity … one in which we realize our Oneness … even while being engaged in and committed to a human experience … and encased in individual bodies with all their boundaries. We don’t have to wait for heaven for our hearts to overflow with joy and contentment. We can create it right here where we are and enjoy its richness fully by healing the wounds of hatred and bigotry, greed and gluttony and by respecting each individual’s right to the basic needs of life. We can heal our planet by re-planting what we harvest and filling our minds with love instead of fear.

Evil is a choice we make … and has no more power over us than we give it by paying attention to it … and believing in it and allowing it to rule our thoughts … and, therefore, our lives … because remember … we are living in our thoughts … this becomes more obvious when we get to this side of life but we are all doing it … all the time. When we see something that has the potential of making us angry … instead let’s blanket that situation with L.O.V.E.! It’s like the scenario that you are all familiar with … let’s say someone cuts you off in traffic and nearly hits your car. You have a choice! You can get angry and swear and pound on the dashboard and flip the other driver the finger and allow that incident to color your whole day with the fear-based emotions that create more toxic waste to hang over your head than you already have … or you can correct for that person’s thoughtlessness, avoid the collision, whisper “God Bless You” and remove the incident from your mind, freeing it to face the day uncluttered and unpolluted by something that creates more smog and anger.

Most of the time, you don’t realize that you have a choice. Your emotions are on auto-pilot. You re-act automatically with anger, but you can change that. For example, there were lots of times when people who worked for me in life stole items from my house and someone would come and tell me about it. I could have gotten angry, but what’s the point? Is it the stolen object that is important in this situation? It’s just a material thing! Many of us would say, yes, the material object is important to me. But I was never focused on material objects. It was more relevant to me that the thief had debased himself over a material thing. Why would someone do that? He or she must have felt he needed the material object … to sell … or something. So I always looked at it as … this person must have needed it more than I needed it. Instead of getting hung up with retribution and anger, I moved on and placed my attention on creating an atmosphere of love and peace. And it showed in Neverland.

When the situation was serious enough to warrant my anger … like the actions of the law enforcement agencies … I got angry, but I tried to channel that anger-energy into something creative … like dancing it out or creating a song to express it. It didn’t mitigate the hurt and disappointment that someone could be so cruel and insensitive, but it didn’t add to the already polluted air I was walking through and breathing by adding anger to the hurt and disappointment I was already feeling. And even at my angriest, the worst I ever did was call someone a ‘cold man’ which was true. In those situations, I prayed and asked God to forgive them for being so wounded that they had to wound me to forget their own pain. And I tried to realize that it was all caused by their inability to believe in goodness and truth and hope because, apparently, their lives had not supported that belief.

Those people must have been so damaged by their lives … it hurts me to think about it. The D.A. was so fearful of me, he must have experienced something in his life to cause him that pain. I pray that he finds healing before he crosses over the gap. I fear he will cause himself irreparable harm for a long time, if he doesn’t.

Oh, beloved … your forgiveness of that man is almost super-human. He deserves to cause himself irreparable harm! I hope he dies in as much pain as he caused you. How can you forgive him for what he did … or view his sins against you as anything but inhuman and unjustified brutality?

You are hurting yourself with those feelings … stop it! You are not hurting him … he could care less about how angry you are against him or how vengeful you feel against him. You are hurting yourself … it is YOUR cloud of toxic waste that you add to with those feelings … not his. It is your inner peace that is disturbed with those feelings … not his! That’s exactly what I am talking about!

You need to realize that all cruelty is caused by a wound. I don’t know what his life has been or what path he has walked. I only know that his coldness and brutality are caused by his pain … because all cruelty … all brutality … is caused by pain … and he has spent a lifetime denying that pain to himself and hiding his wounds from exposure to the world he knows. He has buried it under a lifetime of experiences in which he has had to have the last word … had to prove that he is right at all costs … had to come out on top.

Like we talked about before in earlier conversations, his experience of life has been colored by the lens of his childhood … the instrument through which he has heard the symphony has been distorted … so that he has not heard it all in all its beauty and simplicity. His experience of it has, therefore, been warped into dissonance. He has an unreasonable fear of child abuse, so it would not surprise me to learn that he was an abused child … and of ethnically-different cultures, so it would not surprise me to learn that his home was filled with bigotry as a child, because bigotry and ethnic prejudice are learned traits. We are not born to feel such feelings … they are not natural to us as human beings. Children learn them from their environments … their homes … their schools … their parents. He is also a homophobe, so he sees homosexuality … especially as it relates to children … as his own personal crusade … so it would not surprise me if he is burying his own attraction to the same sex issue behind that fear.

We all need to view him with some compassion … some common human decency … so that we don’t multiply his errors and woundedness … while adding to our own … and the world’s.

I’ll try, beloved. You once said in one of our earlier conversations that I was being hard on you … you gotta know … this one is going to be very, very hard on me!

All you can do is try to see the wound that has caused the actions … and think “could I add another wound to a soul that is already so wounded?”

But, let’s get back to what we were discussing. It is so damaging to give undue attention to all the negative things that you hear and read about in the news like the autopsy program and the preliminary hearing and the controversies that continue to crop up. It is more beneficial to be aware, weigh in on the side of what you believe is right, speak your truth, thank God for resolving the issue according to His larger plan … and, then, place your attention on creating within yourself space to allow heaven to grow and flourish within your own hearts and minds and souls. The universe must respond to your thoughts and feelings by manifesting the heaven … or hell … you envision right here … and right now! That is what our Beloved Father created it to do … it must fulfill its purpose … just as we must!

We all live two different lives … the inner life where the voice in our heads tells us who we are … and the outer life where that voice is manifest in the world around us. Often, we can’t control the occurrences or circumstances in the outer life, but we are the Supreme Commanders of our inner lives. We must own that autonomy and use it for our own good. You would be surprised how our own good is manifest as healing for the world we inhabit when we do this.

It reminds me so much of the comment I made earlier … that I’m living two completely separate and distinct lives … the one in which I go to work and try to muster all the efficiency I can to complete the tasks required of me … and the one in which I close my eyes and feel your smile lighting my soul, your laughter tickling my heart, your words flowing into my laptop. Did you ever feel that way?

[Michael laughs.] All the time! I can’t ever remember not feeling that way. At least two … sometimes more … depending on the circumstances I was facing. Most of you know that there were really always two Michael Jacksons. There was the shy, easily embarrassed, childlike Michael Jackson who would have been happy to play with the children and give them every cent he had to heal their hurts and sadness … who could have been content reading in a comfortable chair for days if the subject was engaging … who enjoyed nothing more than sending paper airplanes and hotel linen sailing out of windows with love notes written on them. Then, there was the dancing, singing, powerhouse Michael Jackson who was happiest performing in front of a hundred thousand people at the ‘are you nuts’ level … who was a workaholic and totally devoted to 100% perfect execution … who oozed physical confidence and was nothing if not attitude … and whose energy was way bigger than his body could contain. Which one was real?

Both … I don’t know, Dear One … I love them both … which one was real?

Very good! Both! They were both real! Neither one was staged or calculated or contrived. They were complete opposites, but they were both genuine and they lived in the same body all the time. So, I know exactly what you mean. “And the pain is thunder.” [Michael sings this.] There were times when I thought that I would be torn apart by the duality that lived within me. I was contradiction personified … yin and yang … male and female … white and black … passive and aggressive … hot and cold … day and night. There were lots of times when there wasn’t room for all of that within my frame.

I was quiet and passive and a little baffled by all the pandemonium surrounding me until I hit the wings of the stage and the band started tuning up. Then … and, somehow it never failed … something hit me and just took over completely. I remember so well … because I loved the feeling so much. You described my impact on you when we first met … or should I say our souls first touched … as being hit by a train. That’s what it was like … like being hit by a train. The vibration would rise from my calves to my thighs … like an earthquake trembling along a fault line … through the center of my body. It tingled up my spine and neck and out my arms and legs … like little, tiny, microscopic men in spiked helmets and boots jumping up and down in my veins [Michael giggles.] … and I just couldn’t hold still. It was like being filled with white lightning … bolt after bolt … wave after wave. It was awesome! I loved it so much.

I was drunk with the power of it. There is no drug on earth that could compare to the high I got from just peaking around the curtains and listening to the band getting ready … and all those people calling out to me … Michael … Michael … and holding hands high in the air and swaying with the recorded music floating on the air … and doing the wave in the stands. It was so moving … emotionally and physically energizing … like I was pulsing with all of your heartbeats … and I felt so much love radiating from you all. My life was so rich because of all of you. And I have to thank you all again … without you I couldn’t have been me! I had to physically hold myself back for the right moment … lock my excitement in like a boiling teapot that sits on a stove whistling louder and louder as the steam fills the water compartment with each moment that passed as I watched and revved up for the performance. I would look out and … just trust … knowing that whatever was using me to communicate to all those people waiting for me was good … and right … and true … and loving. I would whisper, “Thank you for touching each and every one of them with your love” just before I exploded out of the toaster … or kicked open the door of the landing module.

Then … and really for the next two hours … I just got ‘me’ … the quiet, passive, shy, childlike Michael Jackson …  out of the way and let that force that was using me … the assured, physically confident, attitude-filled Michael Jackson … combust in me … and through me and out of me … and into all of you! It was such an emotionally-moving experience that I often couldn’t control my emotions. I couldn’t have stopped it any more than I could stop the earth orbiting the sun … or the sun from breaking through the clouds after a rainfall at Neverland.

Now, I know it was Music  (as in the Female aspect of God) taking over … putting Herself in the driver’s seat … and using my body to broadcast Her message of love and unity and healing through Her own expression of Herself … through me. So many nights, I would return to my hotel room physically exhausted and emotionally drained … but wired and vibrating … and hypersensitive to your emotions as you stood chanting outside my hotels with the force of the transmission, for lack of a better word … and try to unwind … and all the while the thought was running through my head over and over … “what just happened here? What just happened here?”  It was like I was channeling the music … and awakened after it was over totally unaware of what had just occurred.

That’s one of the reasons I started documenting the concerts with videotape … so that I could understand what I had been part of … a catalyst for … because I honestly didn’t remember. And on my off nights, I would rewind the tapes and watch and try to reconcile the person who was striding with so much assurance across the stage … with so much physical confidence and attitude … with the person I knew myself to be … and laugh a little … because I wondered how many of those people would have been screaming and running after the Michael Jackson I knew myself to be, If that makes any sense at all.

When I was younger, I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I just knew it felt incredible to be there with my brothers. I tried to talk to them about what I was feeling, but they didn’t understand. They didn’t experience that ‘possession’ by the music in the same way I did. It wasn’t that they didn’t love performing, but it was a different experience for them … and for almost every other performer that I ever talked to … than it was for me.

I always knew there were two of me … and that thought contributed to my feelings of being alienated from what I used to call “ordinary” people … and my insecurity about being loved for myself and not just as Michael Jackson, the superstar. I wondered how many of you would have still loved me if you saw how ordinary I really was … and how simply I really lived away from the spotlight. The two ‘Michael Jacksons’ were so completely opposite … Jekyll and Hyde kinda, you know?

Yes, I know. Do you understand now, beloved? Do you know now that we loved both of you … and all the others? Do you realize, finally, that many of us saw you as the perfect man … well that’s not really the right way to say that … we see you as the perfect man still … and for all time. You are always beautiful to us … physically … spiritually … emotionally. Your beauty pierces our hearts … your eyes delve into our souls and the things we would hide … even from ourselves … are revealed in your smile.

To us, my love, you are the ideal human being … spirituality wrapped in a stunningly gorgeous physical and emotional package … nurturing and protective, childlike and mature, earthy and spiritually-attuned, shy and confident, self-assured and humble. And you affect us all somewhere very deep inside … because you bring all of those opposites together in one twirling, moonwalking being. Male and female, black and white and yellow, Christian or Buddhist or Muslim … the arbitrary divisive barriers that we cling to in our ignorance you vault over without turning a hair, showing us how ridiculous they really are.

Yes, I see your love much more clearly, now. But, as I told you in one of our earlier conversations, it took my leaving to see truly. Physical sight is so limited and physical thought is even more so. When I was with you, I couldn’t understand how you could love me when you didn’t even know me. I couldn’t see myself reflected in each of your hearts. You had only seen the one side of me and I thought you were totally unaware of the others.

We were not unaware, beloved! We knew you. Many of us knew you for years! I knew you twenty years ago when that shock of recognizing another note in my symphony occurred … and I know you now … even more so because of these conversations. You expressed your love for us in so many ways … in your words to us on stage … in your dedication to giving us the best of you at all times … in the lyrics to your songs … in your books and published works … in the interviews you granted to tell us who you were. I think you must be the most available recluse in recorded history … or the definition of the term has changed when I wasn’t paying attention. Generally, a recluse is a person who shuns other people … who hides himself away and refuses to be drawn into occurrences in the outside world. But you … you were aware of things happening in the world around you and sought ways to be involved … from We Are The World to the tsunami in Indonesia … from Sarajevo to the World Trade Center … from all the hospitals and orphanages you visited to little Craig Fleming. You were the least reclusive man I’ve ever known.

Yeah, that mystified me, too! Exactly how was I a recluse?

I don’t know, my love. It’s just another one of those media-generated labels that they loved to pin on you … and got stuck … you were not a recluse. You hugged everyone who got within five feet of you … you invited people into your life on a regular basis … you granted interview after interview after interview in your attempts to reach out to us and let us know you, even though you knew they would twist everything you said into something monstrous or bizarre. You opened the gates of Neverland to children and families who lived in the same neighborhood, to children’s organizations and hospitals, to inner city kids from Los Angeles, to friends and acquaintances for special occasions in their lives, even to fans waiting outside the gates to welcome you home or wave goodbye as you left. It’s amazing to all of us how open and honest you were in your physical life … even after you were hurt repeatedly by those you allowed into your inner circle, you remained welcoming and loving to your very last breath.

Wanting your privacy to be respected is not the definition of a recluse. That is a basic human inalienable right granted by the Constitution of most democracies. You should not have had to ask for your right to privacy to be respected. That should have been a given.

God bless you!

Jan – January 21, 2001

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Conversations – Installment #10

Week of January 8, 2011 through January 15, 2011

My Beloved, the portrait you paint of your heaven makes this world seem so ordinary … so plain … so colorless … and even less enchanting than it really is. It makes us all long to see it with our visual sense and to experience it with our physical beings. How can we continue to carry on with our pedestrian lives when we yearn so strongly to be there with you … or to have you back here … in the physical sense … with us? You were our heaven … even those of us who never got the opportunity to be close to you or attend one of your concerts … you were what we believed in.

God bless you! And I believed … and still believe … in you! And I keep telling you that I am right here. You know that … you feel that … you need to believe in it! I would not lie to you or feed you a line of bull for my own purposes.

Some of us become so very lost in this world we inhabit … in the rat race that has become our day-to-day experience … beaten down by news that steals our faith in ourselves and in others … bombarded by the senseless slaughter of innocents on an almost daily basis. For so many of us, you were our stability in the midst of this madness … our oasis in this featureless landscape … our sanctuary against the coldness that seeps into our bones and blood and heart … our candle in the midst of a dark and lonely night … our haven from all harm.

It is so discouraging and depressing on this Earth without you. [But you are not without me!] We get up in the morning and drive off to our jobs … come home at night and struggle to fulfill our obligations with as much efficiency as we can muster … when all the while, we dream of being with you and talking with you and being held within your gaze and your embrace … if not here, then there. The world calls us crazy … our families don’t understand … we are alienated from most of our friends because they don’t share our absolute conviction that we are fulfilling our purpose by ‘obsessing’ over a ‘crotch-grabbing,’ ‘moonwalking,’ ‘rock star.’ The world, apparently, doesn’t see what we see … and would scoff at our spiritual connection if it knew about it.  It does get discouraging!

[Michael sighs.] Tell me about it! Do you think I never got discouraged? Do you think I never thought of giving up? There were times when it was all I could do to put one foot in front of the other … when the gum I was chewing and the pajama pants I was wearing were the only things holding me together. I have been there … done that … have the t-shirt … and that’s why I am still here … to encourage you to remain on the path you’ve chosen.

Those of you who are hearing my voice in these conversations … or feeling my presence in your sleep … or sensing the touch of my breath on your hearts in the music … or whatever way you know that I am with you … have chosen a path that will not be easy to walk. You have chosen to be spiritually-awakened beings in the midst of being engaged in and committed to having a human experience … and seeking to bring the spiritual world into the physical world is not easy. It requires internal adjustment … as well as external awareness. Look at those who have taken the high road before you … were their lives easy?

But it’s a lot easier if you know that you are not alone as you walk through the dark forest at dusk and fear the fading sunlight … if you’re sure that I have gone before you to light your path and show the way … and that I am holding high a lantern and reaching back to you in love to touch your fingertips and guide your steps through the darkness that surrounds you on every side. Have faith in yourselves … and in your dreams … and in our Oneness!

“I can hear your prayers, your burdens I will bear, but first I need your hand, then forever can begin”. [Michael sings this.] I tried to tell you so many times and in so many different words … in so many different songs. From:

“You and I must make a pact. We must bring salvation back.”

To …

“One Day in your life, you’ll remember a place, someone touching your face, you’ll come back and you’ll look around you. One day in your life, you’ll remember the love you found here. You’ll remember me somehow. ‘Tho you don’t need me now, I will stay in your heart and when things fall apart, you’ll remember one day.”

Well, things have fallen apart, but there is hope that we can create a better tomorrow … if you remember … one day.

To …

“All alone … wishing on stars, waiting for you to find me … one sweet night I knew I would see a stranger who’d be my friend. When someone in the dark reaches out to you and touches off a spark that comes shining through. It tells you never be afraid. When somewhere in your heart you can feel the glow, a light to keep you warm when the night winds blow. Like it was written in the stars I knew. My friend, my someone in the dark was you.”

And …

“We’re sending out … a major love … and this is our … message to you. The planets are lining up … they’re bringing brighter days … they’re all in line … waiting for you … you’re just another part of me!”

To …

“Smile, ‘tho your heart is aching. Smile even ‘tho it’s breaking. When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by … if you smile … with your fear and sorrow … smile and maybe tomorrow … you’ll find that life is still worthwhile … if you just .. light up your face with gladness … hide every trace of sadness … although a tear may be ever so near … that’s the time you must keep on trying … smile what’s the use of crying … you’ll see the sun come shining through …if you just smile.”

To …

Keep the faith, don’t let no one turn you ‘round. You’ve got to know when it’s good to go to get your dreams up off of the ground. So, keep the faith because it’s just a matter of time before your confidence will win out. Believe in yourself no matter what it’s gonna take. You can be a winner but you’ve got to keep the faith.

And …

Everyday create your history. Every path you take you’re leaving your legacy. Every soldier dies in his glory. Every legend tells of conquest and liberty. Everyday create your history. Every page you turn you’re writing your legacy. Every hero dreams of chivalry. Every child should sing together in harmony.

To …

“I am your joy … your best of joy … I am the moonlight, you are the spring … our love’s a sacred thing. You know I always will love you. I am forever. I am the one who came when you fell down. I was the only one around when things would hurt you. I am forever. We are forever!”

Each of you… and I … as well as all of us … together. The individual notes … and chords … and measures … and pages … and the entire symphony of L.O.V.E. … we are forever!

It  may seem impossible, but you’ve all been part of something that the world calls impossible for more than eighteen months now … this spiritual awakening that you’ve all felt and haven’t had words to describe because it’s so outside of your experience . Even with all your doubts at the beginning … even with the world telling you that such connections can’t exist … that those who have crossed over to the other side of life don’t care about those remaining behind  … and even if they did care, you can’t get there from here … or here from there. Nonetheless, you have held onto your belief that we are together and our togetherness is not a figment of your imagination … it is our creation … it is real … as real as you wish it to be … as real as you believe it to be.

And when things get to be too much for you, you can always just come and play with me … here in Neverland. Just “close your eyes … imagine I’m … takin’ you away … one more time … close your eyes … I’m always here … to stay … tonight.”

I know the world doesn’t look kindly on imagination. It stole this birthright from you while you were very young children … and made your imagination a shameful secret to be hidden at all costs … to be taken out of the closet only when you were alone … unobserved … or asleep … if then. The only time you give yourselves permission to imagine is in your dreams because the society you live in has forced you to give up the place where you live in spirit. Your inner life is as powerful an influence on the physical world as your outer life … it adds savor and richness from your earliest days to your last breath. It, too, requires your attention.

You’ve told me before that you don’t dream and we’ve talked about why this has occurred in your life. But you remember dreaming when you were a child, don’t you?

Yes, my dear, I remember dreaming.

What was your most beautiful dream when you were very young?

Well, I had this wonderful recurring dream that I was weightless … that I could float above the houses and trees in my neighborhood and look down on the cars traveling slowly … almost in slow motion … on the roads around my house. I couldn’t have been much more than five-years-old, but I remember vividly the feeling of flying effortlessly above everything … like I was riding a beautiful, white, fluffy, cotton ball cloud. The problem was that I would awaken from this dream with a feeling of falling from a very tall tree and awaking just before I hit the ground below me with my heart thudding in my chest.

Did you ever investigate what the dream meant?

No. I didn’t ever think it meant anything. It was a child’s dream.

There … did you catch the way you said that? With a shrug … like it was of no import. You discounted it … as the world has taught you to … shrugged it off as if it were something to be ashamed of. There is nothing more beautiful … or more meaningful … than a child’s dream … nothing!

While I make no claim to be an expert on the subject of dream interpretation, I’ve read about this kind of dream. It is related to astral (or spirit body) travel. In other words, you were traveling away from your physical body while it slept and the feeling of falling is the rubber band connecting your physical body and your astral body contracting again after being stretched to its limit … drawing you back to your physical body to reclaim it upon awaking. You were living in … and traveling in … your spirit! You had transferred your consciousness … your awareness … into your spiritual body.

Dreams are your imagination … breaking out of the prison in which the world has convinced you to lock it away … while at the same time destroying your faith in your dreams … and in your ability to make any meaningful, lasting change in the world you inhabit. What it hasn’t told you is that that same imagination has the power to recreate the world … to move mountains … to manifest what you visualize … with faith. Faith is the yeast that makes the bread of imagination rise! It is the catalyst that creates change. Belief is everything. But the world has robbed you of your freedom to imagine … and your faith that your imagination has any bearing on your reality.

But I’m here to give you permission to reclaim your freedom to imagine in joyful abandon … with exuberance and the firm knowledge that from your imagination, you build your reality … and your place in it. I’ve told you before that your imagination is your direct link to the world of the spirit … where I await you in your fields of dreams … where we can walk and talk and play without restrictions or judgments … with faith that it can be a real experience … at least as real as any experience in your so-called reality. The physical world can’t reach you where we are One  … and contrary to what you’ve been taught since you were very young … there is nothing wrong with retreating to the world of imagination when it all becomes too much for you. It is from this world of imagination that creativity grows … like my Giving Tree at Neverland. The roots are buried in the soil of your imagination and its branches spread up and out into the physical world with the creations you manifest into your world of form and matter and substance.

In one of our previous conversations, we talked about when we first formed this bond between us and I told you that the stories and articles you wrote were your prayers … and they were carried to my heart on the wings of your faith. The same is true now. These conversations are happening for the same reason … because you have faith that they are not only possible … but unavoidable with faith. You believe in me … and I believe in you … and we both believe in this connection that we share … and which results in these conversations flowing from your fingertips into your computer and then out into the world by means of technology … to touch so many more hearts with comfort and healing. Together, we are healing the world! With your imagination … and your faith … we are fulfilling my dream! Thank you.

Now, you all just need to remember how to bring your imaginations out of hiding during your waking hours like you did when you were very young children, by retreating to the place where we are One when the world around you begins to shatter your defenses and  gain too much of your attention. Because if you place all of your attention on the news that churns your stomach and gives you headaches, or makes you feel angry or vengeful … you are making those feelings stronger … and perpetuating the negative downward spiral that humanity is riding. If you remove your attention from those things … I’m not suggesting that you  be unaware of what is happening but don’t let it rule your life or take over your heart … and place your attention for even brief periods on playing with me … or talking with me … or embracing our Oneness … you give them less power over you … and can begin to heal those wounds.

Michael, the preliminary hearing has ended … and Dr. Murray has been ordered to stand trial in your death. The judge said that the preponderance of the evidence clearly showed that he was reckless and deviated from the “standard of care” that would be expected from a physician. His medical license was also suspended in the State of California.  Hearing some of the facts of the events of that day brought out by the witnesses has made many of us so angry because we are aware of how terribly far this man deviated from what one should legitimately expect from a physician. The preliminary hearing only lasted a week … the trial will last much longer … and will be so much more devastating!

Yes, I understand … that’s what I mean … that’s why you all need to take “imagination breaks.” No, that’s the wrong term to use … let’s call them “reality breaks” … because it is the physical world which is the illusion … the play in which you are playing the lead role. You need to retreat to the place where we are One … to your imagination which is your direct link to your highest and most spiritual essence and immerse yourself in the Symphony in the Key of L.O.V.E. … with me … because that is the true reality! That is where we live forever … together … and where nothing can come between us if you just … hold my hand. [Michael sings this line.]

You all need to take these ‘reality breaks’ frequently by whatever means takes you there. Prayer and meditation are a good means of transport and have wonderful physical benefits as well. Music is a good mode of travel to that place and is easily portable. Just pull out your earplugs … and “close your eyes … imagine I’m … takin’ you … away.”

Baby, do you have any idea how much I love that song?

[Michael giggles.] Yes, you told me in one of our earlier conversations. Do you have any idea how much I love that you love that song?

Okay, reality breaks … we can do that. Now, I’ve gotta tell you, beloved. I was watching footage of you in the BAD era last night … and I was trying to see us from your viewpoint. Baby, you must have thought we were totally nuts! The way we screamed and ran after the vehicles you were riding in … sometimes being dragged in their wake because we refused to let go of whatever part of the car we were grasping … and pounded on the vehicles … and tore at our clothes … and cried and fainted. We must have scared you half to death … especially when you were younger! We look like a bunch of lunatics. I can’t imagine how you could have viewed us with so much love.

[Michael laughs.] At times, it was pretty humorous … and at other times it was pretty frightening. But one thing that never changed was that I always felt the love that prompted your actions washing over me in waves … wave after wave after wave … like a beach when the tide rolls in … it nourished me … I fed off it … and it kept me strong. I was always very sensitive to that spirit of love … and to its opposite … like I told you early in these dialogs. And I still am … even more so … on this side of life.

One thing that I have to tell you about that is that I was always so concerned that you wouldn’t hurt each other in your frenzy to get to me … that you wouldn’t shove or kick or trample each other. I never wanted anyone to be hurt in those crushes … and I am so grateful that, for the most part, no one was ever really seriously injured … because a situation like that can start a domino effect that is difficult to stop. But, to my knowledge, that never happened.

I remember one incident during the HIStory tour when one of you fainted and the crush of people was breaking the plate glass window … I could hear the glass breaking. That was one of the occasions when I sent a quick prayer up, saying, “Thank you for not letting anyone be hurt in this mess.”I tried so hard to be heard over the noise of all the screams … even got up on the hood of the van motioning … trying to get everyone to move back … away from the window. When I finally reached the unconscious fan and cradled her in my arms, the security people had found a way to move the crowd further away so that no one would be hurt by the falling glass … and some paparazzi snapped a picture … and the flash was directly in my face, blinding me so that I couldn’t see what was going on anymore. It was a scary scene, but I don’t think anyone was hurt, thank God.

That’s something I would like for you all to know … and I think most of you do. I prayed a lot. I told a lot of interviewers that I was a very spiritual person and that I believe in God with all my heart and soul. So, in a lot of situations, I would send up quick prayers … like when I saw one of the beautiful rainbows at Neverland, I would say, “That is so beautiful. Thank you.” Or when a child would visit who was very ill, I would always put my hand on his or her head and say, “God bless you.” And I knew … and had faith … that God would bless that child. Sometimes, the child’s illness would disappear … or his or her suffering would be lessened for a few minutes. Or sitting up in my Giving Tree, I would say, “Thank you for my life and for the music” … and, often, I would get an idea … hear a melody that I hadn’t heard before or a line or verse that I had never heard before in my head. The important thing is to be grateful … ahead of time … to know that God has already answered your prayers and to say ‘thanks.’

And this is something that you can do when the world begins to eat away at your strength and courage in facing whatever challenge you may be required to face … know the outcome that you want to occur … picture it happening in your mind … visualize it … and feel what you would feel if that outcome had already occurred and have faith that God has seen and answered your prayer … and say “Thank you.” Of course, you have to be reasonable and realistic about the outcome you choose … and your outcome must be based in love … not fear … not revenge … but love. And, then, know that God has already answered … and be grateful. Like this … “Thank you, Father, for letting Your truth be told … Thank you for allowing Your will to be done. Bless this situation … and everyone involved in it … with Your Presence.”

And, then, release your anger and demand for vengeance. Let go … and let God handle the details.

Jan – January 15, 2011

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Conversations – Installment #9

Week of December 31, 2010 through January 7, 2011

My beautiful Angel, I have good news to report … and my thanks!

Thanks? For what?

For your suggestion to turn the Discovery Channel show entitled “Michael Jackson Autopsy” that was on-schedule for January 13 over to Branca and have him deal with it. Apparently, Branca and McClain did write a scathing letter to the CEO of the station (probably not due to my suggestion, but I did make it to the people who were spearheading the petition-signing and letter-writing campaign.) The report is that in deference to the pending legal case against your physician and the fact that the letter from your Estate shamed them, the show has been postponed indefinitely! This is the second little victory within as many months for those of us who are defending your honor and integrity … and trying to do so in a sane, rational manner. The first occurred in November when the Gardner Street Elementary School uncovered your name on the auditorium that was hidden in 2003. “There’s nothing that can’t be done if we raise our voice as one!” Congratulations.

Thank God! You see, there is hope for humanity! I know that some of you view humanity as a lost cause. Please do not despair of it … and please always remember that it is always worth saving. No matter how bad you think human nature gets or how low it seems to want to sink into the pits of anarchy, greed, corruption and desolation, each and every individual who has ever lived is animated by that spark of pure goodness that proceeds from the Father. Although you may have to dig through layer after layer of the world’s conditioning … it is there … and it can be aroused and awakened with the right stimulus. And thanks to all of you for all your love and friendship. All your efforts in my behalf (and on behalf of my family and children) are so very much appreciated.

Last night, New Year’s Eve, I prayed and thanked God for you, beloved … for your beautiful soul and heart … for your beautiful body that became an instrument of music every time a melody floated by within a fifty mile radius of it … for the wonderful music and imaginative short films and awe-inspiring performances and the shining example you left for all of us of a life well-lived … for your dedication to perfection … for your magnificent  valor … for your countless contributions to our world, to the sick and starving and deprived … and all the children … in every corner of our planet. I thanked God for sending you to us and I thanked Him for giving some of us the grace of discernment … the ability to see and to notice that you were heaven-sent … at least one of us more than once! But, now, I want to thank you, My Heart, for being here and showing us the way to go so clearly and so gracefully and so beautifully and with such irrepressible style, humor and such great love.

God bless you! It is I who should be thanking you for your steadfast devotion … and for allowing me to speak through you to comfort my children who are still in need of comfort. We are one in our desire to heal the world and (to quote your own words from one of our previous conversations) I am so hugging you right now!

This week, our attention is centered on the courthouse in Los Angeles where your physician faces a preliminary hearing in the ‘involuntary manslaughter’ of Michael Jackson.

All of us are afraid … and angry, beloved, that the defense is going to put you on trial instead of your physician. I pray that the point of law is made (as it should be the only point tried, in my opinion) that Dr. Murray administered a drug to you in a home setting that should have only been administered in a clinic or hospital with resuscitative equipment at the standby by a qualified, trained and certified anesthesiologist … and that he was not qualified to administer the drug to begin with, regardless of the dosage. He is not an anesthesiologist and does not have the additional specialized training to administer a drug outside of his expertise. In addition, he doesn’t appear to have much training in the field in which he is certified … namely, cardiology … as he apparently was clueless regarding the proper administration of CPR techniques. He left you alone when constant visual and mechanical monitoring is required in the packaging directions on the label … with no respiratory or blood oxygen monitoring equipment … you were not intubated and ventilated against respiratory arrest … and, then, he failed to call emergency medical assistance when he discovered his error in favor of collecting evidence and hiding it … and misleading emergency medical technicians and emergency room medical staff regarding the drugs he administered. The whole episode is totally senseless and your children are baffled at each new detail that comes out of the hearing.

Unfortunately, many of us fear that the defense will somehow make the entire senseless fiasco your fault … that they will intimate that you self-medicated. How they can allege something so stupid is beyond me, especially when prevailing expert opinion and the coroner’s report specifically states that findings are inconsistent with such a conclusion because the location of the intravenous injection site would have required you to sit up and partially cross your legs to reach.

I have had these types of drugs … for surgeries. One does not come out of this type of sedation quickly or all at once. First the sedated person begins to hear people talking around him … then the words become a bit clearer … then the patient begins to understand the words and put the sentences he is hearing together into lucid thoughts … then the patient tries to open his eyes, but they are blurry and he often has double vision for a while. It can take forty-five minutes to an hour to recover enough lucidity to be able to sit up and take a syringe and plunge it into an intravenous line. That’s why hospitals have ‘recovery’ rooms where minute-by-minute professional assistance is available should it be required.

I will never believe that it is possible for a sedated man to wake from his sedation during a five-minute trip to the bathroom by his medical caretaker and inject more of a drug into an intravenous line to increase the dosage with which he is being medicated … and I hope the prosecution makes this point clearly and succinctly to the judge … and later the jury!

Do not be fearful … all is in the best hands in the world … or in heaven. I appreciate all of your concern for me … but fear kills the spirit faster than any drug or bullet kills the body. Trust! Do not doubt! God is in His heaven … if you all will just ALLOW … let go and let God take care of the judging. There is a Plan!

I feel sorry for him.

What? Michael, he killed you!

No, he didn’t. He killed my body. He stopped the mechanical apparatus … the biological machine. He did not kill me. He killed the engine of the vehicle I was driving … he did not kill the driver! He doesn’t have that power … no one does!

We are all accustomed to thinking of life as the time between physical birth and physical death, completely ignoring what comes before and what comes after … but I am here to prove to you that life continues beyond the point of physical death. Our lives must be viewed differently … and must include both the physical and the eternal sides of life. We need a new definition that encompasses both. Because one is not more important than the other … both the physical and the eternal sides of life contribute to our spiritual welfare and the bliss we experience when our physical journeys end. These are the two sides of the coin called ‘life.’ Just like the ‘heads’ and ‘tails’ of a coin are required to make a whole … so the physical and eternal sides of life comprise the whole of life.

The proof of this is easy to see. Have any of you noticed that I am more present and available to you now than I was ever able to be when I was driving the vehicle … emotionally and spiritually? So many of you … everywhere … are having experiences of me that were just not possible when I inhabited that biological machine. [But my Dear One, that was one absolutely beautiful, heart-stoppingly gorgeous biological machine!] [Michael snorts. It was a means to an end … and I am grateful to it for all it accomplished. It got your attention … and held it … some for a period in excess of forty years.]

But my impact upon many of you has not been diminished in any way, has it?

Your impact upon ME has not been diminished at all … as a matter of fact … that impact is greater, more urgent, more all-encompassing than it ever was in so many different ways. I feel you with me all the time. I speak to you in my mind … and often, you answer in the next song I hear in the car on the way home … or in some little miracle that appears in my path when I am involved in living and paying attention to my physical life. It’s like I am living two different lives … the one where I work a full-time job and raise my granddaughter … and the one where I walk with you and talk with you. And I am so grateful!

Exactly! That is exactly my point … dream visits and conversations … stopped watches and DVD players that turn themselves on without remote or physical assistance … feeling the warmth of an embrace and my breath on the back of your neck during a favorite song … even being attacked by butterflies … all of these are manifestations of the truth of my statement.

I am not saying that you need to be glad for my re-birth … I know that is asking a lot … but I am asking you to see it as it really is! Without that transition, I would not be able to be so active and present for each of you. And I am grateful that I am able to reach you from the eternal side of life while you are still engaged in and committed to your individual human experiences. That’s not the way things have historically worked … and all of you know it. You’ve all lost loved ones … close family and friends … and they have disappeared from your life and after a time from your thought. You have trouble remembering what they looked like or sounded like after a relatively short time.

But that’s not the way things are between us, is it? None of you are having trouble hearing my voice or seeing my face in your mind’s eye … even so many months after the occurrence. Some of you are having what some might call ‘odd’ experiences on a regular basis … like your week-long butterfly barrage … or your friend’s nightly dreams … or these prolonged conversations.You are all feeling me and knowing that it is me. None of you are questioning this … your spirit knows! Few of you have had any psychic experience to speak of … the occasional déjà vu, perhaps … yet you know this is real! To some of you it is the most real thing in your life at present, regardless of your occupations or other distractions.

Did you ever wonder why … or how … this is happening on such a regular basis … and on such a global magnitude? Mankind is ready to make that leap toward acknowledging and living a more spirit-infused life … not necessarily religiously-bound … but spirit-infused … both on the physical and the eternal sides of the veil. ”If we try we shall see in this bliss we cannot feel fear or dread … stop existing and start living!” [Michael sings these two lines.]

You’ve all heard the adage: “When the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear.” Well, you are all ready. You all proved that to me by your loyalty and devotion to me during my stay with you … and since … by your unselfish, pure love that bathed me in its sweetness and richness through all of my days on Earth … and continues to do so. Please don’t take this the wrong way, my children … but I am the teacher if you find something valuable in my example … and many of you know this and have known it for many years. We have many lessons to teach each other … the most important of which is L.O.V.E. … for all the children … for all of God’s creations, including those who do us harm.  One of the most important lessons we all must learn is forgiveness. And we must begin with the circumstances that surround us. Now, who do we know that requires all of our forgiveness?

And I truly believe that there was no malice involved. He was being pressured to make sure that I was at the rehearsals … that meant I had to sleep … something that was always difficult for me to do … my brain just didn’t have a ‘shut off’ valve … and it was his job to make sure that happened. His short trip to the bathroom got interrupted by a phone call from his girlfriend and an argument about child support lengthened his absence. And then he panicked and started covering his trail to protect himself … resulting in several other phone calls and trying to hide what was done. I do not believe he intended for me to die. I believe he has kicked himself around the block every day since that day. We’ve all done things that were stupid and not well-thought-out … and we’ve all wanted to go back and replay our actions so that we could correct them.

He’s no different. I don’t appreciate my children being traumatized by watching their father die! That was pretty cold-hearted! But if he thinks so little of his own children that his girlfriend has to badger him to get child support paid, he would think even less of mine. I cannot understand that attitude … and never could, but it is not an uncommon one in our world. To me, my children … and all children … were the first thought I had in the morning … and the last thought I had at night … and most of the thoughts I had in between. My children are strong … I taught them that they were valuable … I respected their little soul’s individual journeys … and they were always cradled in love.

I am not saying that he should not be held accountable for his actions that day. Don’t get me wrong … his incompetence resulted in the loss of a life. He was unqualified as an anesthesiologist and as a doctor … he should not be practicing medicine! You know what they say about doctors, though … they are going to practice until they get it right! [Michael giggles a little.]

But it would be wrong to be vengeful against him … and I’m not. Nor should you be … any of you. The vehemence of your feelings is a testament to your love for me and I am grateful for that love … but vengeance is mine says the Lord. And it is one of the most damaging of the human emotions to the one feeling it. Like fear and guilt, it creates an impenetrable smog … hangs in the air above the one experiencing it and prevents love and care from approaching the heart and soul. It does not harm the one against whom one feels it nearly as much as it harms the one feeling it! In this it is like all those negative fear-based emotions. When one is absorbed in fear … one cannot be absorbed in L.O.V.E. I prefer for all my children to be absorbed in L.O.V.E.

Beloved, you are so wise. Thank you.

Okay, My Heart, on a lighter note … I’ve waited long enough. Like I may have mentioned in our last conversation, I have absolutely NO patience. I know how to spell it and I figure, at my age, that should be all that is required of me (don’t have that much time left.)  I want to know exactly what kind of heaven you have manifested for yourself over there on the other side of life. At the end of Installment #8, you said it was a lot like Neverland but with some minor changes. Can you be more specific?

{Michael laughs.] We just finished that earlier conversation … seems like a few minutes ago. I know it was really last week, but I thought you like to take a break between sessions because these dialogs are such intense experiences and you need to recharge? [Michael giggles.]

Now you’re just teasing me! Cut it out! Cough up with the information, beloved.

[Michael laughs.] You’re not going to give me any peace until I do, right?

That’s right. I’m well-known for bugging the heck out of people … salespeople  … and waitresses … and my husband … and my children … until they do what I want them to do. Ask anyone. I can be a real pain in the aspidistra!

[Michael laughs again. Aspidistra … that’s funny.] I’ll bet you can. Okay. Like we’ve talked about before in earlier dialogs, each of us has his or her own idea of what heaven would be like … and when we reach the eternal side of life we manifest our thoughts and desires more immediately and with more reality than we are accustomed to on the physical side of life. I was very fortunate to have had some experience with manifesting my dreams during my physical journey … to have been allowed to create a reasonable facsimile of my idea of heaven in southern California. You’ve all seen pictures of the amusement park and Ferris wheel and train station and my home on television shows and in magazines. I think you would all have to agree, it was beautiful.

Yes, my dear, it was beautiful. It seemed to just radiate peace and serenity and safety … like a heat haze in Los Angeles on a hot day …  the plants were so vibrant … and the trees were so green … and all your animals were so well-kept and clean. It was an amazing haven. I never got to go inside the gates, but from the pictures I’ve seen … and the television programs I’ve watched and preserved on tape … the place just glowed.

Thank you. It was special and I did love it. Well, here I’ve made a couple of changes. There are still gates, but they are never closed. All are welcome – all the time! I don’t need to worry about protection anymore … no bodyguards and people to protect me … and you … from getting injured. There is no harm here and no need to be afraid. Here there is only L.O.V.E. There are also no paparazzi here. Everyone is totally transparent (as in nothing is hidden … there is no need to hide behind any mask or false pretense) because of those auras we talked about before … so there is no need for people whose only purpose is to dig up scandals and gossip. If there is no need to hide anything, just that fact alone pretty much negates the value of paparazzi, doesn’t it?

There are no traffic jams because we don’t really need cars … we travel at the speed of thought here, remember?

Yes, I remember.

There are some who still experience their bliss in driving … who achieve a state of heightened awareness or meditation as a result of sitting behind the wheel of a car, so they are still free to do that, but they are not necessary for travel. I still invite lots of children. I am surrounded by children, as a matter of fact. They are the souls (auras) of all the children who didn’t survive their cancers and illnesses and burns. And just like during my physical life, I have lots of helpers who maintain the zoo and the train station and the grounds. It is their joy to create beauty in taking care of the grounds or the building structures … or to take care of animals … or to love children … so I’m never alone … always have friends and angels around.

Some of the changes I’ve made … let’s see … how can I describe them?

Well, first of all the trees and flowers glow … they are bioluminescent. Neverland was absolute magic at night … as those of you who saw the interview with Oprah would have to agree … with the amusement park rides all lit up and the buildings all spotlit and the fairy lights festooning all the trees and pathways … and I’ve tried to retain that magic. But in the physical Neverland, we had to string hundreds of thousands of strings of little fairy lights throughout the branches of all the trees in order to get the effect that I wanted. That was a pain to install and to maintain. [Michael giggles.] Do you have any idea how many strings of fairy lights there were all over Neverland?

No, Dear One.

Well, neither do I … but there were a LOT!

Here, the trees and flowers themselves give off a soft glow. Kind of like fireflies or those glow-in-the-dark necklaces and bracelets you can get at some of the theme parks … but not all phosphorescent green … every conceivable color of the rainbow. The rose garden has red and yellow and pink and white roses and they all glow softly with those colors. The sunflowers shine with a bright yellow color and the trees glow a brilliant green for the leaves and even the branches and bark glow as if lit from within. At night, everything just glows. And we didn’t have to string any lights!

During the day, we let the kids color the grass and trees and flowers and sky any color they want … pink and purple and blue and red … and they are told that they don’t have to stay in the lines. They love it! You know how kids love to color and paint! On the spiritual side of life, they don’t need crayons or markers or paper … just imagination … they use their minds and intention to color and paint everything they see around them. Lime green llamas and bright blue elephants and purple polka-dotted kangaroos roam the grounds at all times of the day and night and they let the children ride them around … they are not the least bit shy because they know the children love them and would never harm them. So, you always see young children grooming or playing with or riding what the human world sees as dangerous animals … lions and tigers and chimps!

We’ve added a major roller coaster … a REAL Space Mountain … that dips and climbs around the stars and planets and nebula in the Milky Way!  The bumper car and go-kart tracks are the rings of Saturn and the craters on the Moon are trampolines and wading pools. It’s fantastic! “My life has taken me beyond the planets and the stars.” [Michael sings this line.]

There is always music here. We teach the children to dance and to harmonize with the music of the spheres. We don’t need to wire speaker systems and hide them in rocks and flower beds. The trains operate all the time and the water park that I wanted to build is a replica of Victoria Falls with a wading pool at the top of a huge cliff and a water slide that winds around and around in the falling water that plunges into a massive natural heated water pool  … and the water is living water … it glows white and flows around all the rides giving everything a soft glow. Everyone knows that you don’t visit without getting soaked. There are Super Soaker battle fields and target practice ranges and water balloon bombing and minefields and rope bridges and bungee swings.

There is an Indian village where the children can learn to live in harmony with nature with real Indians who teach them respect for nature and the wonder and magic of mankind’s interconnectedness with all living things … and a Western settlement where they can live in HIStory … and a Peter Pan village where imagination soars without the use of pixie dust. The movie theater still welcomes everyone with a magic show just as it did in the physical world, but here the magic is real and the children play with traveling at the speed of thought and manifesting their dreams .We don’t need the beds in the walls, unless some of the children want to play ‘pretend’ sick … and they are free to do that if they are so inclined.

There are ski slopes over near the waterfall with bunny slopes and more advanced slopes and ski lifts. Every kind of imaginable play is available … and several that would be hard for one still engaged in and committed to a human experience to imagine. “They say the sky’s the limit … and to me that’s really true … ‘cuz my friend you have seen nothing … just wait til I get through!” [Michael sings this and then laughs.]

I wish you all could see it all … it is my wildest and most all-pervasive dream. The joy and laughter would just make your hearts explode within you! It’s heaven!

Are there still arcade games?

Oh, yes … I love arcade games! The difference here is that they are all virtual arcade games. You don’t stand and push buttons or gadgets … you are in the game … everything that happens in the game … you get to experience firsthand, but you don’t need any of those heavy helmets or patches or equipment to hook you to the game. You ARE the game … and your imagination is the limit! How far can it take you? [Michael giggles.]

I tell you what … you all are invited to come and play with me. Until you get here, we’ll do it another way. “Close your eyes … imagine I’m … takin’ you … away … tonight!”

Jan – January 7, 2011

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