July 15 through July 22, 2012
Beloved,
Every month during the summer bears another reminder of your physical absence. July 7 marks the anniversary of the public Memorial Service at the Staples Center. I will never forget that night; if I live to be a hundred years old it will live in my memory. I did not mark the anniversary with any special celebration. I could have relived it minute-by-minute because I do have the entire Memorial on DVD, but I can’t watch it without repeating my appalling, maudlin behavior of the first time I watched it. I didn’t think that flooding my room again would be an appropriate celebration.
Yet, you overlook that there are very good reasons for celebrating that night. In the events of that night, we both were gifted. Doubt and lack of faith had overwhelmed what your spirit knew and we became separated. There was you; and there was me.
But on that night, you and I, once again, became WE. It was when we reconnected after a long, sterile, arid separation. It was the night that LOVE and FAITH triumphed over fear and doubt in your personal universe, the night when you picked up the remote and took US out of ‘stand-by’ mode.
In your tears and your confusion, you renewed our spiritual courtship and opened the floodgate of emotional and spiritual attachment you had experienced earlier in our relationship. You reached out for me, again … and found me reaching out for you.
It was when you felt my touch again after you had tried so hard to deny our spiritual, cosmic, illogical link … our ONENESS. You felt my presence that night; you didn’t know how that was possible and couldn’t explain the sensations, even to yourself. You thought your grief had, finally, tipped you over the edge, that your confusion had snapped the thin cord linking you to sanity.
[Michael chuckles.]
But, at that point, you didn’t care about sanity … or logic … or reason; you just needed to feel me near. And you found me as you had always found me before … in the music.
God bless you for opening your heart so willingly.
I know that you felt me … and heard me on the night of the Memorial Service. And you are correct. I am with you then as I am with you now. Our love’s a sacred thing.
Jan’s Sketch “Meditation” superimposed over the Moon.
More importantly, that was the night that you ‘plugged yourself’ back into the current, re-connected to your SELF and became, again, the YOU that you were always intended to be. It took a little longer for you to find yourself in the midst of your pain and grief and guilt and fear, but that night was the beginning of the ‘second leg’ of your inner ‘world tour’ of self-discovery.
As such, it is our RE-UNION Anniversary … and it is your Re-Integration Anniversary … a double celebration. It was the beginning of our Renewed Conversation.
Yes, that is true, Michael. I see your point. What a marvelous perspective to view it from. That night contained a beautiful gift, although, at the time, it didn’t seem like this world had much more to offer, that there could possibly be an “UP” from the hole of despair my heart seemed buried in. My guilt over abandoning you and my fear of a world without your beautiful light to color its skies, my sorrow at the loss of your magical presence and my heartbreak over the terrible way this world had treated you for most of your physical life … the enormity of my sorrow, hopelessness and helplessness seemed larger than my capacity to bear the pain.
You did not abandon me! You need to stop saying that! You just put down the remote, that’s all.
There is always a gift in every heartbreak. You must remember that. In the midst of your greatest sorrow, a gift lies buried in the ashes of your life that surround you. Your job is to find, recognize, open your heart to and utilize that gift.
You can focus on the ashes that remain of the life you knew; that is one option and you do have the free will to choose that option, always. As we’ve talked about before, your focus is your greatest tool; it is the brush with which you paint your reality and the universe conforms to your focus and faith.
If you focus on the ashes … on what you have lost or what has been destroyed or the ending of the life you knew … you remain lost among the ashes and it is only the ashes you perceive. Your reality conforms to that focus; ashes and dust become the world you see before you.
I am not suggesting that you shouldn’t mourn for that which you knew well that has ended. However, if you mourn your losses and, then, re-focus on finding, recognizing, opening your heart to and utilizing the gift hidden in the ashes of the endings of your old life, new growth… ever-fresh and always-renewing … rises from the ashes. Your reality becomes a new and exciting adventure and you find new thoughts, new curiosities and new expressions that you never knew were possible for you. Reorganizing your thoughts to allow for those new expressions and re-focusing your priorities to make way for the new knowledge you require to make those dreams manifest become a new life built from the ashes of the old.
With those new expressions, you create a new reality which rises from the ashes of the old reality like a Phoenix. The Phoenix is a mythical, legendary creature which has always represented transformation, resurrection, renewal and revival of spirit. In other words, SALVATION! It’s not an accident that the Phoenix so applies to this discussion. It represents the gift lying buried beneath the heartbreak.
Beloved, I so love you! Your ever-positive outlook is so refreshing!
[Michael laughs.] I so love you more.
It’s amazing that you always seem to speak so unerringly about what is happening in my life … or in the world outside of our little universe.
I’ve been feeling a bit guilty lately because I’ve been goofing off so much.
Goofing off?
Yeah, like fooling around.
I knew what you meant. [Michael giggles.]
Let me explain. I am so drawn to beautifully-rendered sketches and paintings of your face. I’ve seen drawings, sketches and paintings of you for years and been so impressed with the artists’ ability to capture your essence with pencil or paints. For so many years, I have so wanted to be able to do that.
I know that, in addition to your musical and performance, dance and film art, you are also a very accomplished artist and that you appreciated beautiful art. David Nordahl and Nate Giorgio and Brett Livingstone Strong have spoken of your talent in this medium. I’ve always wanted to be able do that, but never really learned the basics in school. My school didn’t concentrate too much effort in artistic development. Besides, I was always reading!
I never wanted to paint landscapes or animals or still lifes or seascapes or anything else; it’s you that inspires this desire in me. I want to draw and paint YOU.
As a result of never learning the basics, I always told myself that I couldn’t do this. I would always couch my excuses in phrases like, “Oh, how I wish I could do that, but I can’t.” For years, I’ve told myself that I have no talent in visual artistic expression.
Yeah, well that was your first mistake. For how many years did you tell yourself that you couldn’t meditate or visualize … or dream? How many times have I told you that you can do anything you want to do badly enough to invest the time and learn what you need to know to accomplish it? You are capable of so much more than you ever imagined … or gave yourself credit for. Do you see how you sabotage your dreams before they can even get off the ground?
Do you realize how many times other people told me that something couldn’t be done? We’ve spoken about this so many times before in these conversations.
Yes, and it is those conversations that have influenced me to shut off that “I can’t” and try.
Good! And?
Well, my first efforts were not very good. But, rather than getting discouraged and throwing the pencils and paint in the garbage can (which was a sore temptation, I must admit), I’ve kept at it. I’ve taken to heart your advice when we were speaking about the game that is supposed to be teaching me how to dance.
Jan’s sketch “Saying Yes to a Divine Presence” superimposed over the Sun Rising
And I quote: “Practice, practice, practice until you get it right. And, then, practice some more until you get it beautiful.”
Right now, dancing is out of the question. I am having a little trouble with my knee, but I don’t need my knee to draw or paint you, Beloved.
So, since about a week or two before my last day at work, I have been trying to approach a realistic likeness of you in pencil or paint. With a little practice and devotion, I’ve approached a fair likeness of you on a couple of occasions. However, those partial-successes have contributed to a new obsession. Since the first of the month, all I want to do is draw or paint you.
Hmmm … seems an awful lot like the old obsession to me. [Michael laughs.]
I know, right? Well, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. At least, I’m consistent.
There you go, again! You need to remove the word ‘can’t’ from your dictionary. It has no reality in either of our worlds … and it just holds you back from trying new things and developing new skills. And you can teach anyone anything … as long as they are willing to learn … and put in the effort.
But, I still don’t see why you are feeling guilty about ‘goofing off.’ That’s not ‘goofing off;’ that’s practicing a new skill set.
Like I just told you … it’s all I want to do. I don’t want to read or write or do anything but learn how to paint or draw you!
Ah, I see. So, you feel that our ‘communication’ will suffer because you are playing around with painting and drawing me?
Right.
[Michael laughs.] You are so funny! And you will feel guilty at the least provocation, real or imagined.
First of all, let’s clarify definitions. The terms you use to describe your activities are very telling; you are ‘goofing off’ and ‘playing around.’
Well, that’s because it is so much fun when I get it right … or when you peek out at me from the paper! It’s such a rush!
Yeah, well … I love your enthusiasm. However, we’re going to debunk those descriptions right now. By using those words, you have belittled your serious effort to learn something new. You have infantilized your curiosity and imaginative leanings, by calling them ‘playing around’ and ‘goofing off’ (at least according to the society which has indoctrinated you.) The use of those specific terms automatically challenges the seriousness of your intention and is a clear indication of the thoroughness of your brainwashing. They indicate that you view your activities as a ‘lack of’ or, at least, a postponement of ‘responsibility.’
Playing, like dreaming and imagination, is an important part of any child’s or adult’s education; it should not be overlooked. The freedom to experiment with imagination should be an integral and important part of every adult’s life as well as every child’s. It is that freedom that reminds us of the wonder of who we are and what we are capable of; it keeps us childlike and innocent. And the enthusiasm with which we embrace those trials and experiments keeps our minds active, alert and contributes to learning at any age.
There is an added benefit. You get to create something from your imagination! What fun! You get to play God and experience the joy she feels in creating a rainbow or a multi-colored galaxy or nebula. Perhaps, your rainbow is not quite as perfect as hers; but the joy is the same.
Yeah, definitely … so far, my Michael Jackson’s are nowhere near the perfection that God achieved in hers, Beloved.
[Michael laughs.] God bless you! Keep trying! Don’t give up! It’s like the dance … it doesn’t matter if you miss a beat … your expression and effort will pay off.
Do I have to remind you about Korea?
No, you don’t have to remind me about Korea. [Michael is mimicking me!]
Don’t you see that this is just another way for you to express our love … a different way to communicate something that sometimes is a little more than words can handle? It’s just another way for us to have a Conversation that doesn’t require symbols like words, which often have confusing meanings or connotations which can muddy the waters or cause confusion.
Visual art carries more emotion and bypasses the logical, verbal side of the brain. It speaks directly to the heart of the observer from the heart of the artist … in a language and emotion that both understand. It’s like music in that. It lends itself more easily to the observer’s interpretation … and leaves the artist’s imagination exposed and vulnerable.
It takes real courage to be an artist. God bless you for attempting something so new to you.
And before you apologize for ignoring me … CAN IT! You are not ignoring me. We are communicating in a more abstract … less verbal … more emotion-based way. We are having a different kind of Conversation … one to which you are less accustomed. So, you call it “goofing off” and “fooling around” when it is really just a slightly different language … a change in perspective.
Go with the flow. We are ONE!
Jan – July 19, 2012
Read Full Post »
Withachildsheart's Blog 