January 26 through February 10, 2012
My Beautiful Angel, I so enjoyed my pilgrimage to the places you walked during your physical life. I don’t want the beautiful feelings of being enveloped within an invisible bubble of love and protection and security … with a sure knowledge of your presence … to end. I don’t want to return to the petty problems and irritations of my everyday life.
Who says those feelings have to end? [Michael laughs.] THAT is reality. All else is fiction … a drama … a role in a play … a script, the plot of which you haven’t discovered, yet. What you call the ‘real world’ is just a projection … a movie you direct … of your expectations. Where you place your focus becomes the scene in the play that you experience.
Those ‘petty problems and irritations of everyday life’ you mention are only problems and irritations because you allow them to be. You give them power to rule you by focusing on them. For example, let’s say you get up in the morning and before your feet even hit the floor, you have the thought, “Oh, I hate getting up” or “I am so tired.” Right?
Yes, more mornings than I can count, that is exactly what I think … and how I feel.
There! [Michael giggles.] You’ve already started the day with a thought of resistance to starting the day or a thought of being tired. But you drag yourself out of the bed and stumble towards the bathroom and the emotions in your body have created your reality. You feel tired and you’re dragging yourself around for the rest of the day. When people you meet ask how you are doing, you respond, “I’m a little tired today,” which just reinforces that first thought of the day.Your emotions about what you are focusing on create your reality; your focus is your vehicle.
While you were on what you are calling your pilgrimage, did you start your day in the same way?
No! Oh my gosh, Beloved. It was so different. I got up early … without an alarm clock … even though I was up much later than I usually stay up at night. I was awake and dressed and had my teeth brushed and went outside the hotel to spend a few quiet minutes with you, to make notes in my journal for my NOOK … most mornings before the sun had even risen in the sky. After we had shared the sunrise, I was excited to see what the day brought and chomping at the bit to get started. I don’t remember actually thinking that; it just happened.
You see what I mean? I wonder what would happen if you tried a little experiment for me right here in the midst of your so-called ‘petty problems and irritations of your everyday life.’ For the next week, I want you to awaken with the thought, “I am grateful for a good night’s rest and another day of life. I can’t wait to see what miracle God has prepared for my joy today.”
Do you think that, perhaps, your emotions of gratitude and appreciation for the blessings you have been given might produce a different reality? Or, at least, a different attitude toward the reality you are living?Do you think your anticipation of miracles might produce them for you? Do you understand what a blessing it is for you to be able to sleep like you do? Are you aware of and grateful for your comfortable, warm, dry, quiet, safe place to rest? Eighty percent of the world’s population is not so blessed.
We talked about this a little in several earlier conversations. You experienced many examples of this truth during your week away from your ‘everyday’ life. Can you think of another example to illustrate this point?
Yes! Before I left, my emotions were in continual flux. I was nervous about whether I would get along with the friends I was going to meet … excited about being in L.A. and visiting so many places that I’d wanted to visit for so long … anxious about the twelve hours of travel … and I was so fearful that I would get out to Forrest Lawn and would not feel your presence. So, when I did finally arrive at Holly Terrace, I found that my fear had created the reality of not feeling you.
I felt lost. I didn’t sense you strongly at all until I had to use the restroom and found a little, tiny rhinestone or cubic zirconium on the floor of the stall, the sun making it shine and glimmer in reflected light. I’m surprised I didn’t step on it and grind it into dust. I pictured that little sparkler falling from one of your rhinestone gloves or one of your beautiful jackets like the gorgeous appliquéd jacket you wore on the night of February 7, 1997 to Elizabeth Taylor’s Celebration of Life Gala … and just laughed and cried at the same time in relief. The King of Pathos strikes again! In that moment, I was flooded with your love, reminding me that you are always here. I was so grateful for that small gift.
Exactly … as I have told you over and over again. We are ONE. Our love binds us together more securely than handcuffs. However, when you are inextricably ensnared in the coils of fear that I won’t be there, you are so concentrated on the fear that you can’t feel the love. It’s not that the love isn’t there; it’s not that I am not present. You’ve just buried it (and me) beneath a ton of fear. Remove the fear, even for just the briefest of moments … long enough to pick up a little tiny gem stone from the floor … and the love comes flooding in like a tidal wave.
And before you ask if I left that little reminder in the stall, let me remind you that it really doesn’t matter how that stone got into the stall. I can use anything to remind you of my love … and have … a herd of butterflies … a cardinal in a tree … a hundred robins in January when they should be in warmer climates … a scent … or a psychotic DVD player that chirps as the letters H-E-L-L-O march across the display. As you, yourself, wrote about me once (almost twenty years ago now) “Give me that inch … I will take the mile … but not by force … and not by fear.”
That stone could have fallen from someone’s purse or jacket or jewelry and landed on the floor of that particular stall by accident on the day that you would be there.HOW it got there is not important. It is only important that it was there for you to find and interpret as a sign of my love.As you and your friends are so fond of saying, “There are no coincidences in my world.” There are no coincidences in your world either, but we’ll go into that in another discussion.
The only thing that matters is that YOU noticed it, picked it up and were reminded of my promise to always be with you when you bent down and that it stopped you from focusing on your fear long enough to open the floodgate for love to enter. Everything else is just unnecessary detail that sometimes blocks truth from being recognized. Human beings are often distracted by trying to examine HOW something happens … labeling and defining the mechanics of the thing … rather than devoting all their attention on WHY something happens and living from their intuition about that. Seems to me we just discussed this in our last dialog, didn’t we? [Michael giggles.]
Yes, Dear One … it seems like familiar territory to me, too.
In those times when you are nervous, anxious, uncomfortable, excited or fearful, just remember one thing; it is truth. You are safe, secure … right here with me … always. My love surrounds you for all time. I am just as present here … in the safety and privacy and comfort of your own home and your own room … as I am anywhere else in the world, if you will just allow me to be … petty annoyances and irritations of your everyday life notwithstanding. “If you feel alone, I’ll be your shoulder … with the tender touch you know so well … somebody once said it’s the soul that matters … but, baby, who can really tell … when two hearts belong so well. Oh, and on these quiet days our souls embrace so silently. Oh, the rain may wash away all these words that young lovers say.” [Michael sings.]
Oh, Baby … it’s funny you should use just those words. When I returned to work Monday, one of the first songs I heard was For All Time and the feelings cascading through me as you sang the lyrics in my earbuds … wave after wave after wave of love and gratitude and total acceptance. It was a beautiful experience. It was just the ‘reality’ break I needed.
Don’t you just love it when a plan comes together? [Michael laughs out loud.]
See? That ‘bubble’ you speak of envelopes and caresses you regardless of where in space or time you stand because there is no space or distance or time. They are constructs of the human mind anchoring you to your physical experiment … concepts of relativity that help you navigate your physical life. They are useful illusions in your current circumstances, but they are not truth. They play ‘walk on roles’ in the film you are directing of your current life. You are the director, the lead … and the plot. But the plot is always subject to rewrite … just like in a Hollywood screenplay.
And you, My Beautiful Love, are the vehicle, the journey and the destination.
Aww, God bless you … but now you’re just trying to embarrass me! In truth, that ‘bubble’ you refer to really has more to do with YOU than it does with me. When you allow yourself to relax … when you surrender your need to always be in control … when you stop the angry or disappointed or fearful chatter that plays in a continuous loop in your mind … when you mute the critical self-talk … when you give up the need to judge everyone and everything, including yourself … when you release the need to define, pigeonhole, stereotype … what remains is MY LOVE. It is always there, you just need to peel back all the layers to find it. When those layers are peeled back, you leave yourself exposed to feel the full force of my love. You stand as you have described me standing in previous posts, head back and arms outstretched, saying ‘yes’ to a divine presence.
Beloved, you bless me so richly. Thank you … and God bless you … and I love you.
No, God bless you … and I love you more.
Now, tell me how the flights went.
Well, the flight going out to California was not very enjoyable. First of all, it was a very small plane … a 727, I think … and there were a lot of people on it. We were crammed into it like sardines in a tin can. The weather that afternoon in Chicago was foggy … and cold … and windy, so the first half hour or so was choppy and bumpy. The rest of the flight had intermittent periods of chop as well. Being so closely packed makes me a bit uncomfortable and restless and I didn’t want my motion sickness to get too firm a grip on me. So, I closed my eyes and envisioned you as you appeared in the You Are Not Alone short film … with beautiful, feather-clad, iridescent wings. Have I ever told you that you are beautiful in my eyes?I clung to your back, my arms around your chest and my head resting just between your shoulder blades. When the plane dropped, your wings flapped down and when the plane recovered, they lifted us up. It was a lovely visualization and it kept me from feeling too claustrophobic or sick to my stomach. I didn’t read or listen to music or watch videos during the flight out. I was too busy fighting the discomfort.
Do I need to tell you what was going on here?
No, not really … but you say it so much better and more clearly than I do. And I love to hear your voice … and feel your thoughts … so much better than mine.
You are so funny. [Michael giggles.] Okay. Well, first of all your fear of flying and being sick threatened to create that reality for you. Second, you were still stuck in the everyday annoyances and irritations that you allow to rule your life. And, finally, you were resisting surrendering control which is why you couldn’t read or listen to music or watch videos during the flight. You had everything you needed to do those things; your little handheld device was loaded to the brim with all you would need. You made sure of that before you left. You just couldn’t concentrate … or re-focus your mind … from being ‘packed in like sardines in a can’ and ‘bouncing all over the place at 30,000 feet.’So, you allowed your discomfort to rule you until you closed your eyes and visualized flying MJAir. [I love that! Hee Hee! Loved it in rehearsals. Love it now!] Then you were able to release control and relax a little and the second half of the flight was better. Even the landing was smooth, right?
Yes, it was. In contrast, the return flight was the poster child for the ‘model of efficient travel’ you suggested for me to visualize in the weeks leading up to the trip. It was a big plane … a 767, I think. There was plenty of room to stretch out, especially when the man in the window seat moved to the center bank of three seats and stretched out for a nap. The weather was clearer. There was no turbulence at all. I watched videos of you, My Beautiful Angel, and listened to your beautiful voice and the flight passed very quickly. We were about a half hour early touching down at O’Hare.
Do you see the difference in your experience of the two different flights? Your discomfort on the first was a reflection of your need to be in control. You were fighting it, instead of relaxing and allowing. You were anxious and your anxiety created your experience.
On the second flight, you were much more relaxed. You had spent six days releasing your need to be in control of everything. As a result, you allowed the flight to be a much more pleasant and beautiful experience.
Ah, but releasing my need to be in control of everything was a hard-fought battle, My Dear One. , and a lesson it took most of the six days of my pilgrimage to learn. My friend, who had driven her car from Oregon for fourteen hours straight through to Los Angeles had to have the patience of … well … of YOU! Los Angeles traffic is a NIGHTMARE. These people drive FAST … or interminably slowly. There does not seem to be a middle ground. Either they’re inching along at three inches an hour or they’re crossing three lanes of traffic at 80 miles per hour. No happy medium.
My friend had never been to Los Angeles before and was totally unfamiliar with the freeway system. She didn’t have a GPS to help out and I am hopeless when it comes to directions. I get all turned around. So, we spent much of the time turning around and going back on the same freeways we were trying to navigate and got lost as a result. I came face-to-face with my need to be in control during the week more than once … and I didn’t like what I was seeing. I am sure I drove the poor woman crazy trying to stop the car from the passenger seat! And, at one point, I had to just stay in the hotel and decompress from my nervousness about trying to get around in Los Angeles.
To illustrate, on the day we were scheduled to meet our other friends at Forrest Lawn, we spent about an hour thinking we had been dropped into a parallel universe. We had passed a sign reading “Forrest Lawn Boulevard.” several times on the way back to our hotel, so we assumed we had that one in the bag. No problem.
We arrived at Forrest Lawn very efficiently and found the flower shop on the left hand side of the entrance drive. We parked and went inside to purchase a beautiful flower arrangement for the members of one of our Facebook groups containing gorgeous stargazer lilies and went back out to the car to jam this huge flower arrangement into the little, itty-bitty back seat and go meet our friends at Holly Terrace. I called to get directions once we were inside the gates. We were just about to break our arms patting ourselves on the back for our fast and efficient arrival at exactly where we needed to be when my friend on the other end said that the flower shop was on the right hand side of the drive. Huh? In addition, she said that the drive split and we needed to follow it to the right. Well, our road wasn’t splitting! I corrected her very firmly because the flower shop wasn’t on the right … it was on the left … and there was no split in the roadway leading in to Forrest Lawn.
We had this same conversation like four times(!!!) and I was beginning to think that people from Canada don’t know their right from their left! Or I was going crazy! One or the other … and I didn’t much care which. Turns out we were at Forrest Lawn – Hollywood Hills … not Forrest Lawn – Glendale. So, we had to get back on the ‘freeway from hell’ to get to Glendale. Once we arrived, it was funny. But during the experience it was NOT!
Our friends from Canada were so great! I miss their clear-sighted view of life so much. They were like, “Don’t worry. You’re in the flow. Relax. Breathe. Decompress. There was a reason you were led to stop at the Forrest Lawn in Hollywood Hills. You had to get the stargazer lilies for our beautiful moonwalker.” LOL! By the end of the week, I was able to see things in that way, too … but it was a hard-won battle.
[Michael laughs.] Well, at least you admit it.
You know, Beloved, I’m always complaining about being the one who has to be in control of everything … the one who has to be responsible for everyone … in my life. This revelation makes me wonder how much of that is my own fault. Have I trained everyone around me to depend on me to be ‘in control’ of every situation? It’s a definite possibility, I guess.
HeeHee! I love it when a plan comes together! [Michael laughs.] Sounds like this pilgrimage was good for you. That’s what pilgrimages are all about! These kinds of revelations are never easy, but they are so valuable. Now, the question becomes what are you going to do about it? Will you continue on ‘business as usual?’ Or will you shake yourself … and everyone else around you … up a little bit?
I think I will shake everyone up. My adult children are perfectly capable of figuring things out for themselves. My husband is a big boy and can take care of himself, too. There is no reason that I have to do everything for everyone. Laura, of course, is the exception. I will continue to try to guide her to be independent and successful … to make sure she eats healthy meals and does her homework, but the rest of these people are in for a rude awakening, I’m afraid. That’ll teach them … to let me go off on pilgrimage all by myself! LOL! As if they could have stopped me!
Good for you! Now, tell me what you did for six days in Los Angeles.
Well, we were busy, but it was a relaxed busy kinda. We were in the flow. We spent one afternoon camped out at your star on Hollywood Boulevard. Our Canadian friends had brought little heart-shaped tea lights and cards and we had picked some flowers from a bush we found walking from the parking garage to the star to decorate it. We sat around the star on a busy Saturday afternoon. The weather was absolutely beautiful … sunny and warm. I was surprised how many people stopped to take pictures, many of them from foreign countries.
The ‘bubble’ was in full force; the atmosphere was full of love and peace and serenity in the midst of one of the busiest thoroughfares in the country … and your star is magnetic, anyway. Everyone smiled. Many took photographs with their friends kneeling or sitting with us. Some talked about their memories of you. One beautiful oriental lady knelt down and placed her hands in Namaste and prayed. And one gorgeous little girl about eighteen months old came and sat down, Indian-style, and closed the circle around your star for a few minutes. She was so cute. It was my first experience of that ‘bubble of love.’
That atmosphere had very little to do with me. You and your friends formed the bubble with your love for each other … and your mutual love for me multiplied it exponentially. Of course, you all carry my love for you with you wherever you go, but you all have to say ‘yes’ to it … as you did … to make the magic happen. That’s the meaning of the phrase from the Gospels, “Wherever two or more of you are gathered in my name …”The power’s in believing so give yourself a chance. And Keep the Faith.” [Michael sings.]
There were no critical or negative comments that I could understand. Foreign groups would be talking and laughing in their own language … until suddenly two English words were interjected into their conversation … Michael Jackson. It wouldn’t have surprised me if they were the only English words they knew.
Our Canadian friends had been there on Thursday to watch your children imprint a cement block with your sequined glove and shoes and their handprints, but my roommate and I didn’t make it in time for the ceremony. They had not set the cement block into its place in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater on Saturday.
As afternoon began to fade into evening, we did a little souvenir shopping late and ate at the Hard Rock Café just a few feet from your star. One of the waiters offered to show us all the memorabilia in the place and we eagerly followed Dave around to photograph your hat and photographs … and Jennifer’s BAD Tour jacket. Then, we decided it would be a good place to eat. Dave played your short films and performances for us while we ate. He was so kind and generous. Thank you, Dave. It seemed the bubble was unbreakable. (No pun intended!)
[Michael laughs.]
Another afternoon we spent at Forrest Lawn bringing flowers and gifts from our Facebook group and greeting other fans as they arrived and left. Native language didn’t matter. Ethnic origin didn’t matter. Age or denominational differences didn’t matter. Nation of origin didn’t matter. There were no artificial divisions. Everyone understands a hug … and a hug became our universal calling card. We were united in Michael Jackson. That bubble is so awesome. I want to live in it forever! We didn’t just drop the cards and flowers and leave. We stayed … and talked … and shared our love for you for an entire afternoon, camping out at Holly Terrace. We watched the flowers and gifts being taken in to rest inside The Ascension Sanctuary and your tomb and were overjoyed when the stargazers were carried inside with the others. It was another beautiful Southern California day and we were exactly where we wanted to be … in your love … and we were not anxious to leave.
My roommate was adopted by a group of about fifteen Japanese ladies who didn’t understand much English, but understood the little greeting cards with your picture on them that she was giving them. They sang ‘Heal the World’ in both Japanese and English. One beautiful lady had hand-beaded her kimono that she was wearing. The back had a crown outlined in rhinestones. The front had your image in a toe-pose outlined in rhinestones and both sleeves had your image from ‘Billie Jean’ holding your hat. It was beautiful. She must have spent hours and hours putting those rhinestones on the black satin. Awesome!
It was during this first trip to Forrest Lawn that I found my little ‘gift from an Angel’ in the restroom stall. When I returned to Holly Terrace, I checked in with my friends. Then, I felt myself drawn back down the road and through the arches to the opposite side of the building. It was below the Ascension Window on the opposite side of the building that I felt you most strongly, so I sat on the curb and just communed with you, basking in the warm glow of the California sunshine and surrounded by statuary and gothic structures and green lawns. It was a beautiful respite, calming and nurturing and healing.
We spent an entire afternoon outside the gates of Neverland. Oh, Beloved, what a beautiful place! Your smile still welcomes your guests to the valley in which you made your home. Our Canadian friends had arrived long before we did as we had a little car trouble along the way with a mud flap in front of the driver’s front tire snow-plowing the California freeway system and making an appalling and very scary noise. After limping along the freeway to the next available exit, we found a kind gentleman who called another who wired the mud flap back in place. Thank you, guys. My roommate didn’t appear too worried even though it was her car. I stood by the car while she grabbed her wallet and bought some wonderful strawberries at the roadside stall! LOL! It’s January! Strawberries? They were ripe and sweet and a wonderful addition to the afternoon.
When we arrived, the rose garden was decorated with pictures and letters and poems hanging on the stone walls and propped against the rocks by our Canadian friends and it was beautiful. It was another beautiful day, blue sky and warm temperatures and we sat on the stones eating strawberries and talking as other fans arrived and left. We met other friends there and as the sun was setting, we met one of our friends who lives in Solvang and we all ate at a wonderful restaurant there before driving back to Los Angeles. The ‘bubble’ was around us … and we knew you were there with us.
So, you keep mentioning this ‘bubble.’ What does it feel like?
Oh, Beloved … there is no way to describe it accurately. It is the innocence of a child who knows he is loved … who is sure of his welcome (like the little girl who came and sat with us beside your star) … who is free to be exactly who he is without fear of judgment. There is no expectation of reward or criticism or punishment. It is total acceptance of who you are, right now … no past … no future … just NOW and being totally at peace with that. It is the freedom to accept love … and to love in return … and unity with everyone else with whom you come in contact. It’s knowing that you are in exactly the right place at the right time … even if you think you are lost … there is a plan … and you are an integral part of it. It’s the feeling, “I am known … and I am loved.” I’m sorry … it’s so hard to describe. But I think it’s the feeling you must have felt when you wrote the line: “The sound of approval rolls across the universe … and she bows.”
Yes, if you come into this world knowing you are loved and leave it knowing the same, then everything in between can be dealt with.”
Exactly, Michael … exactly.
That is who you are. That is where you are … even if you think you are lost. That is the freedom you enjoy. And We Are ONE!
You know, Beloved …it’s a strange thing … but in retrospect, it feels a lot like the feeling that came over me when you entered the lobby of the Pantages Theater for Elizabeth’s Birthday Gala in 1997 and walked past my friends and I on your way into the auditorium. It’s the same kind of almost ‘hush’… in which the cacophony of even the busiest thoroughfare in the world recedes into the distance … the hum of traffic noise and passersby are muted. It’s the feeling that the cells of your body rearrange themselves and hesitate in anticipation of your Beloved’s next breath, causing a tingling sensation and the hair on the back of your neck to stand in acknowledgement of the entrance of Love. Molecules come together in slow motion like lovers … the air that you breathe feels silkier as it enters your lungs … and the pandemonium surrounding you dims to accommodate Love’s passage. It’s like the whole world takes a deep breath … and holds it for a count of ten! I got the feeling that if our eyes had met that night, I would have spontaneously combusted with joy … and like a black hole that gobbles up all its neighbors … I would have pulled you in after me. It’s the same kind of feeling when you are ‘in the flow’ and surrounded by ‘the bubble.”
To have been privileged to experience that feeling once was a benediction beyond comprehension. Twice in a lifetime of sixty-two years, Beloved … I am so grateful! I often wonder what I have ever done to be the recipient of such abundant, exuberant blessings which I will continue to recount in our next Conversation!
(to be continued)
Jan – February 17, 2012
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